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An 8 hours of well paid job that involves dealing with children all the time, continuous communication of various sorts, and many more, constant vigilance of seniors and hundreds of colleagues and staying surrounded by thousands of students . A home filled with people, pets, clothes, furniture, unending supply of various resources, memories, ambitions, dreams and laughter, with a garden in front filled with grass, flowers of jasmenium, roses, name it… fruits, decorative plants, a garage occupied by well kept two wheeler and a four wheeler that I used, obviously because I could afford it. More than one vacation to distant parts of country, how does it sound???? Yes my life was perfect… why do I say was? Because it’s not so anymore.. What happened? Marriage happened…
What now?
I sit in the gallery looking at the rain at night, unable to see the droplets, just staring in the dark, listening to the sound of water splashing on leaves and grass and sometimes a beat on the window pane. What am I getting doing this? Why I am doing this? Do I have any work to do? Let me go ahead and watch a movie or may be read a book..
Open a book that I have bought after a thorough scrutiny of various books, subjects and titles and authors and reviews. I read till the bottom of the page and turn the page realizing I don’t remember what I read. Oh wait, did I read, or may be I was just staring at the words? So I turn back the page and start reading again only realizing I was reading but was unable to register the words and story in my mind. So I put the bookmark back to where it was and I turn on the TV. Yes that seems to be a nice movie, I haven’t seen it, I watch it, turn off the tv when its over and then my phones rings, someone asks me “what’s up?” I say “ I just finished watching a movie.” Next question, “which one?” and I freeze.. I cannot remember the name of the movie I watched just now. So I think hard and yes successfully answered the question, So what was the plot? Who was the director? Who all were casted? I don’t remember properly.
I can’t remember what I had for lunch, or for dinner yesterday. Or did I visit my college friend last weekend or last to last weekend?
You think I should probably get myself busy... Well I am waiting ofr my college to start… College?? Again?? I am a post graduate but I require B.Ed to be a teacher, AGAIN. So whats wrong? Well the university is delaying the admission process.
Ok.. go out, have fun, enjoy. Wait… I am broke… why?? Well I spent my savings in past two years. The one I had saved working as a teacher, living an affluent life.. remember?? Why don’t you work? Well I tried to get a job, I have faced numerous interviews and have faced rejections. The schools want me to sort out my personal matters first and come back with a fresh mind.. No, the rejections don’t bother me anymore. They have been my constant companions for over two years now.
My husband rejected me after less then one month of me shifting with him, because he didn’t feel like being together now, all of a sudden, after 8 months of courtship and a lavish wedding. Oh I tried saving my "arranged" marriage. Don’t judge too quickly… so much so that, when I returned to my parents felt like an alien, I didn’t feel a part of this family because, well the girl who used to live with my parents, that isn’t me..
Here’s the truth, I find it difficult to remember, I find it difficult to make decisions, even like what’s to be made for dinner? I find it difficult to implement my decisions, like I said above, I couldn’t watch a movie or read a book, that’s very basic considering my education, isn’t it?
I find it difficult to concentrate, or get a job, or get an admission in my college. And if you, who are reading it have a good understanding about human nature, I am not even mentioning the emotional and physical needs I have as a human, of course it’s so easy to control, come on, I am a female… Females don’t rape….
I find it difficult to travel freely to my friend’s place who lives 7 kms away, well petrol isn’t free.. you all know that.. Yes I can walk for half an hour take a city bus, change it, walk again and do the same while coming back, well let’s just say it hurts me when I see outside the window and a girl younger than me drives away in a car. Hey no, m not jealous… really not.. But that was me two years ago and I can’t now, because… may be I did something wrong…
Going out is easy, you wear clothes, put on a pair of shoes and comb your hair and leave. Remember that girl, taking a pedi-meni every month, trimming her hair quarterly, buying clothes, foot wears? Guess what, I haven’t bought a pair of clothes in past two years... n my footwear hurt me now, they are out of shape.
Yes my parents have some money and are retired and they get pension. But No, I didn’t study so much to get dependant on them, on their pension. No they don’t travel places, they don’t spend on their relatives and friends, my dad hasn’t gifted my mom a diamond set like they show in insurance and retirement plans ads or taken her to that nearby city she wanted to visit. They bear the day to the expenses, pay for milk and supplies and medicines...
I have liked millions of pages on facebook so as to avoid the posts of my friends displaying love to their husbands, or travelling to places or playing with their children… and no I don’t feel sad looking at them.. I love them, and may god bless them… wow, a friend of mine is wearing a beautiful green saree just like the one I had bought for my wedding ceremony, so what I don’t have a party wear new dress for diwali, I can wear that saaree, no wait, isn’t it at my in laws place? They haven’t returned my things to me. Of course the court has promised me they will have to return it before the case ends, it’s just been 1.5 years after all, more than half of which was useless because dates keep getting postponed as that’s how it works here.. I JUST NEED TO BE PATIENT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY….
No I don’t hate the world… Why am I telling you all this?? I just remembered today, My mother in law had asked me, “ Kya bighada he mere bête ne tera? Maara Pita tujhe? Bhuka rakha?” Nahi mumma, usane kuch nahi bighada mera… kuch bhi nahi.. (“ What wrong has he done to you? Did he beat up? Did he starve you?” and I say,” No Mumma, He hasn’t done anything wrong to me, nothing at all”)
And why am I telling you all this? No I don’t want your pity, suggestions, or help.. Just do me a favour all those who are reading this, please don’t take another person’s life for granted. It might not be as easy as you think it is….
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