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This anger starts with myself. I love myself to the ends of the Earth. I believe I am a very loving, sweet, funny, attractive, and promising girl. Despite all the things I am interested in life and am preparing for in the future, I find one thing that can pull my reins to a full stop. Love. It angers me that it has so much power over me. Don't get me wrong, I love to love. I love to shower my friends, family, and potential partners with love. But.. that's precisely where it begins to halt my life. Until about six months ago, I would do anything to keep my partners happy. Whether they truly loved me or not, I truly loved them. I was not completely unaware of the mistreatment, but during the time I could ignore it. Finally, after years of painful love, I became self-important. I can now see the games that people attempt to play me with and can cut them off. It is starting to become a dangerous habit. I now can no longer hold a stable dating-only relationship. I had recently met the biggest sweetheart -- had the same interests, very trustworthy, romantic, funny, and loyal. We went on four dates, all of which went extremely well. I had great feelings of trust and happiness with this person. Then, one train ride home it all dissipated. The thought of possibly trusting someone with my whole heart and for a prolonged period of time encompassed me with fear. I knew this person had the potential to keep my trust and joy, but the possible outcome of failure stabbed me early on. I have come back to talking to many short-term people at once, receiving the top layer of affection only. I love these "temporary" relationships and people, until they begin to want more. I have become what I had specifically told myself not to. After the separation of my last serious relationship, I thought to myself, "Don't become one of those cold, hurt souls. Don't let this pain stop your trusting nature and don't be afraid to love." I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I'm angry that I'm aware of all of this that I have written, but continue to maintain this mindset. I'm angry that I cannot commit myself. I'm angry at people for being so lovely. I'm angry at fear. I'm angry at love.
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