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Gramma, please let me come live with you and Papa. I am crying as I type this. My parents are not abusive. And yet they are. They don't hurt me, they love me, they want the best for me, they exhaust themselves for me. But in the midst of all this they are hurting. Dad, as you know, is in extreme pain, is suffering from the darkness of depression and near-constant illness, and is just damn tired and stressed out all the time. He is angry and irritable like an old battle scarred grizzly bear. He flies off the handle and refuses to recognize it for what it is. He doesn't respect Mom the way she deserves when he is that upset. He shouts and slams and rages. And he expects me and Mom to be meek, 100% understanding and supportive of him, and follow every single precept he has come up with in his brain. Because "it's his house", and because we must respect him. I love him but I am so afraid of him when he acts this way. And if I were to let that show he would probably be extremely offended and lash out. But he is not a bad father, not in the slightest. And that is what drives me to this state of anxiety and overloaded stress: I cannot blame him, but neither can I make sense of what he does. I had a panic attack this evening during dinner. Dad is recovering from a stomach bug, but he gave the okay for Mom and I to make spaghetti and meatballs. So we did, and when it was time to eat, he looked frustrated and tood her he couldn't eat any of it. No problem. But as I was setting up the plates, apparently I "got in his way" or did something to trigger his irritability, and he became visibly upset. Mom tried to diffuse the situation and explain that I was doing what she'd asked me to do: set the plates. He was so angry and frustrated by her speaking to him that he was shaking and growled, literally spat his sentence at her. She tried to be lighthearted, as did I, and I went to sit down with Eli. I talked gently with Eli to distract him. Dad was getting even more upset and when Mom somehow did another thing to trigger him she left the room for a second to go down the hallway, probably to try to let him cool off and for her to collect herself and make herself more acceptable to him. If she's anything like me then that is what she was trying to do. But he literally stomp-ran down the hallway after her and (literally) growl-shouted at her to "get in her room, to sit on the bed". (Meanwhile I was still trying to keep Eli distracted from his shouting from their room, and was probably failing because Eli is smarter than that. We started talking about that Trolls movie, to distract him). When Dad was done shouting at Mom in their room, they came back down the hallway, and it was very obvious that Mom was trying to look like a blank canvas so Dad wouldn't find more to get offended about. I guess he saw something in what I was doing that triggered him (I was still talking about the Trolls and the Bergens with Eli) and he loudly started demanding if there was anything "I wanted to input into this conversation, any facial expressions I wanted to make at him". All I could do was to turn away and look at my plate and politely say "No, sir". I could feel my cheeks begin to get red and my eyes began to sting. I folded my hands and closed my eyes, waiting for everyone to be seated and say the prayer. This was all I could do in order to stay calm and be as small a target as possible. Of course Dad was upset the whole dinner. I just took one bite at a time, one drink at a time, one wipe of my mouth at a time. I started to lose control though, as Dad got more and more aggressive with his utensils and was very frustrated with Eli (who is 3 years old and has trouble getting spaghetti to his mouth sometimes). I started shaking when Dad slammed his chair back and shoved the rest of his food down the trash. He stormed around for a bit while I struggled to hide my face and my tears, which had been threatening to fall most of dinner. When he left the room I couldn't hold it in any longer and started to sob silently, afraid he would hear me and afraid Eli would say something. So I ran. I ran to the bathroom and heard him mutter something about me, heard the front door slam. I was literally sobbing, shaking and keening on the floor of the bathroom with a towel over my face to keep quiet. Mom came in to try to calm me down but I was already forcing myself up. I knew that if he heard or saw me like this then the rest of the night, possibly evem the next day would be filled with his cold and judgemental annoyance at me, because I can't handle it and I'm weak. Because "I can't take the consequences of my actions", a phrase he uses often, even in a situation like this where I've done nothing but care for his son and try to hold the peace together by sheer will and desperation. I don't believe he is an abusive father. At least not the type you report for it. I know he doesn't want to be this way. I know when his head clears he regrets these things, even if he never apologises or makes his regret known. Sometimes he just moves on while I'm left in the wreckage of my temporary sanity. And of course Mom is as supportive as ever of him, never a black mark or a bad word against him, and often she moves on before he does, to try to spur him on so that a veneer of peace can be restored. I don't know whether to appreciate this or to feel miserable for it most days. Most days, I just shake myself out of it and move forward. I don't really know whether I can move forward again, even less that I want to. I don't know what to do. Please let me be alone with some peace and quiet, with a book in my lap and the cat purring beside me. I love you. I love them. I love myself. We need your love.
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How old are you? I'm the same type as you father, with anger issues and depression. Your dad and I, we are sensitive, but it can't be an excuse for rageing all the time. He is abusive - I know that, because I am abusive (just with my husband, and it getting so much better, I love him and don't want to hurt him, but it happens, out of the blue I start feeling unbearable anger and I can't see anything, I can't think I just want to scream and shout and smash things. He loves you, but he is still abusive. Seek help, use a free hotline for talking about it, for emotional support, or if your parent allow it go to therapy- you can lie about the reason.
ReplyHi, I'm not sure if you'll ever get this response but if you do here it is: I'm turning eighteen in a couple months. I understand fully what you mean, and I truly appreciate your honest response. I am safer now than before, and I do hope things have become better with you and your husband. I am praying for you and your husband, and if you pray, I ask that you would pray to whatever or whomever you pray to for me and my family.
Thanks again! I'm sorry for such a late reply, also.
May God bless you <3
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