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To those who do not realize, the amount of pressure you put on me. Years and years I've learned to keep the balance of all the things you put on to me. and until now, I've just realized that it wasn't just you. I was me. You're the one who set this chain reaction, It was all you. If you didn't say that I had to be this, or I had to already know that or I had to become this. I don't think that I would have got depression or anxiety or even the worst, become suicidal. I wanted to impress you, to make you happy, but every little thing you did, every little thing that you said. 1 by 1 they would pierce my heart.
When I was young, I thought this is what it was like to be a family, To have your dreams crushed, to have people make your personality, to have people to hate you for being who you are, To have people force you to do things. I thought it was normal. Until I saw others fulfilling their dreams, people supporting them. I wanted to know what that felt like. As a confused primary schooler, it was hard for me to fit in, but I was fine with it...
Not until I got bullied, It affected me so bad. My thinking wasn't mine anymore, my personality wasn't mine anymore. It was society's thinking, I should not be gay, I should not be crying, I should not me. I should not be doing this, that, say that, say this. I wasn't me anymore. I held my hand out for help, But all you did was slap it away. As I slowly sunk down into the darkness, I looked at those whose hands were being helped and felt like... What did it feel like?
Slowly, I bullied myself, tortured myself. "Why am I like this?" "Why couldn't you be like them?" "Why did you have to be a loser?" "why couldn't I get a job like that?" "Why was I born like this?" I thought to myself. It was hard. Hard to learn to let go of my self, as I did, I watched my real self, fall down all the way- Splat. It was gone. It was hard-cold blooded sound. I looked back up and pulled myself up from the thing I was holding on and placed on my first mask.
I learned to play dress ups, from happy masks to sad masks. I said it was better like this. I was happy. Happy to be fake. I copied other people and their personalities. I copied their thoughts. Just so people would like me.
But I grew up I guess... I believe, no I know that it would never end like a fairytale and let me tell you guys... In times of where I'm supposed to find out who I really am, I'm never gonna find that, I've lost my reason for living. I lost who I really am. I don't even know what I'm holding on for. But I heard a Ted talk about where in the lowest part of your life, you find out who you really are... So I will wait, Wait for when I figure out who I am and why I will live...
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