Every 10 years

I was born healthy, and then it just went down hill. In grade school i was constantly in the nurses office. And then around my 16th birthday i was diagnosed with Diabetes. So problem solved. Just take care of that.

But then right before i turned 26 i started having seizures. They couldn't figure out why. So They scanned my brain. My first MRI showed multiple white spots very typical of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). But it wasn't until after my second MRI and my second doctor that they did the spinal tap to confirm it.

As far as i have been told the seizures were because liquid was pooling somewhere or another because the MS was untreated. But i will still have seizures if i don't take my pills. I'm 28 now. In 2 years they havent found an MS medication i don't have a terrible reaction to, so i am in pain a lot of the time. I feel like i have hollow bones. I feel like i am getting bed sores all over my body after short periods of rest. When i have flares my joints in my hands and feet are beyond stiff. I was an artist. My job was as a caregiver, helping elderly and sick people stay in their homes, and i loved it. But my passion was painting my dreams on canvas. It's hard to do either when your joints don't work 75% of the time.

I use to joke that every 10 years something tries to kill me. But i have recently had to go to the ER multiple times because my lungs are not functioning as they should. And then i made the joke that "ok, it is someone else's turn." And i felt so selfish

But i have known for a long time that this is a selfish word. I want to die, but I can't because of what it would do to my mother and my husband. And even if i am not here to see it, i couldn't bare the thought of it. They are selfish for not being able to let me go just as much as i am selfish for wanting to leave.

I am tired. I fear being in a wheelchair someday.

What will happen when i turn 36?