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I don't even know how to start or even what i am doing. Everyone fears about something, like spiders,snakes, rats, ghosts, death or even loneliness. My biggest fear is to tell people what I feel. I never tell anyone how I truly feel about someone or something because I feel like I'm going to disappoint them or make them change their minds about me. Even though it doesn't seem like, I really care about what people think about me, and I'm not dumb, I know that a lot of people think what they think, and they are right in a certain way. I try to be mate and to not be so obvious. But it's hard. It's fuckig hard when you have to live above other people's expectations, when you can't say or do what your heart tells you to. This has never happened before I mean I sometimes looked at "them" in a way that it wasn't meant to be but you know it never got so far. You look at them and you think: oh maybe it's just my head or ideas of mine and it's not true, maybe is because they are so pretty and that kind of mix things up....
I have been living with myself for many years, 16 years now and I still feel like if I was a new house. There's so many thing about myself that I don't know and that I haven't discovered yet, but I think that that is similar for everyone when we are teenagers. The fist advice I got from an adult was: live and love, never hold back your feelings. I never took that advice.
However something has changed. I met someone. This person is extraordinary, amazing, charming, lovely, friendly, polite, a fk start to be honest. This person makes me so happy just by receiving a snap or a text, by smiling at me and being so cute and so reachable. I think about that person and I start smiling and imagining how much I would like to see you right now. It's unbelievable how healer her smile can be. It took me quite a time to understand that what I was feeling was admiration and love. Because I admire you so much. After all you have been through and you still are so pure and kind with everyone. It honestly broke my heart into pieces every time I used to see you sad and hurt because of you know who. But the only thing I could to was to help you because the only thing I want is for you to be happy, in wherever place with however. But for you to be happy because like I say many time, you deserve it.
This is probably going to cost me a lot, because I know I'm jeopardising our friendship which means the world to me and is more than enough. But I just can't hold back my feelings anymore. I am in fucking love with you. There, said it. Probably the first time I've said it out loud. And it doesn't feel wrong to be honest. It feels good. I feel relieved. So many couples that are happily together because one had to take the risk and say the truth out loud. I don't know how long my life will be but I just don't want to regret not having said and done anything. This is the bravest thing I have ever done.
Look, all of this doesn't mean and change anything. I am not telling you this with the hope that someday we will have something ( because that's very clear) but in order for me to be okay, because I'm dying inside bea, I truly am and you in particular should understand how I'm feeling because you have been in my shoes. I know it's selfish of me to do this right now when our friendship is so solid and stable but I just feel like I'm leaving in a bubble where outside that bubble I'm not my truly self but only inside. They say that the quiet people are the ones that get hurt the most and suffer the most when it comes to love. Hell would I know about that! But anyone what I want you to understand is I'm doing this mostly because of me, because I can't keep living like this. I don't want you to think or feel any kind of pressure and that I expect something back from you. I don't. Things doesn't have to change between us ( but I know that it will never be the same). Just because someone tells you I love you you don't have to say it back.
I don't want to tag myself right now because I think that I've a lot to discover about myself and that it's too soon. I just believe that we are all humans and what is the difference between a man and a woman when it comes about love? We love in the same way. There's no difference. That's my point. People should just be able to fell in love with other people nonetheless their gender, skin colour, religion.... we are always persuading people to not be racist right? So why should we put a barrier between a man and a woman. Women can be very man and men can be very woman sometimes. We all have a heart and feelings. That's my opinion. I just hope that you won't judge me now because of what I feel after knowing me for two years. However I can't change your opinion, and I will understand and respect if your opinion change about me. The only thing I ask you is keep this secret to yourself because it's the most valuable thing to me. I hope our paths come together one day, may we meet again.
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Should I send her this?
ReplyThis is very nice and sweet. You should send it.
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