Just trying to be a little better than yesterday

So words I learn to live by “without the rain nothing grows, learn to embrace the storms of life.” One day at a time good days, awful days, days of sorrow and the days you get to learn something new about yourself. The old me had a major pity party because I had to spend a year alone In my beautiful home on a safely guarded military base with my three children that I created, while their father was away fighting a war in Iraq. Looking back six years later all I could think is wow!!!! Seriously I was a little bitch. The old me would’ve had an aneurysm if I’d known then that I would end up a single mom struggling to pay bills living in a bad part of town. Trying not to let my car payment get more than two months behind, because I’m scared they’re going to repossess it. It’s my only way of transportation for work and take my three little monkeys wherever they might need to go. Without transportation there’s no way to go to work. So that means no way to pay bills. Finally no way for me to financially support my children. All the petty shit that was so important to me five years ago I could care less about now. These days I’m dragging my butt in the house at 6:30 after I worked a 10 hour shift to see the 3 best things that ever happened to me smiling and generally happy and I gladly turn around and go back to work for 10 more hours the next day. I still struggle with stress but for much more important things. The entire situation has made me a more humble person. Everyday I still Have to work on trusting people. I think that’s my biggest downfall right now. But I think it’s pretty understandable, when I was married for 10 years and fully trust that he would have the best intentions and would always love and protect me and our children and then find out he was a monster. The love I have in my heart for ALL my children I couldn’t bear to harm one of them in anyway , shape or form. Including emotionally, physically, sexually or verbally. It’s ludicrous. Really never thought he would ever let anything terrible happen to her. And definitely not Thought he would be the on hurting his baby girl. His first born child. I just generally thought that he would feel the same, the same ways I did about them. They are the loves of my life. They give happiness and joy like nothing else. As a young adult I told my mom I would never forgive her for staying with a man that hurt me. I’ve held a lot of aggression and animosity towards her. I had so much hatred towards her, for not keeping me safe. But then going through situation with my daughter. I truly didn’t know. I wish I could have seen signs sooner. I wish.... so with my mother I can only imagine how she felt being a young mother of three kids with a drug addicted, abusive drunk for a husband and no place to go. I recall one situation where my mom tried to leave my stepdad. She had me my baby brother and my older brother in a little yellow town car and my stepdad ran out and stabbed butcher knives in all four tires. I think what I learned the most is you never really know how you would deal with the situation. And right you can make statements on “how if I was ever in that situation” or “if that happened to me” ........but guess what you don’t really know until it does..... So that leaves me here almost 30 and still learning. I have to say I think the next step for me personally is going to be to learn to trust people and retrain my brain that everyone is NOT out to hurt me and my little humans. I have developed the mentality to beat ppl to the punch. Kinda like I’ll hurt you first.... so afraid of disappointment and heart aches and losing my mind. after moving away for a fresh start I ran into this charming man I known since childhood randomly crossing paths thousands of miles away from our tiny home town. He has came in my life to better it. And I make him prove himself to me constantly and he never fails. He has shown me that he’s not interested in breaking me down ,using me up, nor just out to hurt anyone. Hes actually made my life so much more enjoyable and better in general. Doesn’t let me have my way all the time and run him over. He’s a gentleman, gentle heart and oh so understanding of my past and not pushy about it. The day I really really realized I love him I cried all day because that meant he got me. And that means he can hurt me. I can truly say I love him. He also treats my children like kids when other people have a tendency to treat them as if they’re broken. I seriously appreciate that! But I don’t show it. I’m mean, I push him away, I say the most hatful things my brain can compose. I am not the victim in this what so ever. Still trying to figure out when did I push so hard to not be the victim that I became the bully... and this also needs to subside immediately.

-trust

-aggression

After everything that I’ve been through, everything that I have accomplished I don’t think that I get myself enough credit. I think we forget that baby steps are still steps and we should own it. one day at a time. Becoming better than yesterday is all that matters.