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Always I've felt the need for people who actually care about me. My mom and dad don't always listen and truly understand me. I've always texted people like my girlfriends or crushes but I've never trusted my best friends. The thing I don't understand is I always feel like nobody cares about me. Whenever someone wants to I usually push them away or ignore them. I've never actually truly talked much about this except a girl that I love. She's the only one I actually trust. Since I was young I've had a mom that always pushing me away from my dreams and discourages me. She always said I was a mistake or that I was a disgrace. My dad would always beat me when I was young till just a year ago when I started fighting back. Then I ran out of the house and continued out onto the street. It was around Christmas time and the streets were decorated beautifully. Walking around the place felt so peaceful and I watched as people were all happy. Then I went to subway and walked into the bathroom. I stayed their for a long time crying and thinking how I was going to live with myself. When I walked out I saw one of the most beautiful girls in my life. Even more pretty than the sight with a Christmas tree decorated with lights. Then I felt that I wasn't in the mood to be attracted to a girl so I walked into the line and bought my usual sandwich. Paid my money and sat down outside. To my surprise the girl walked up to me and said hi. When I heard her voice I felt like god had saved me. She asked if she wanted to sit with me and her friends. There were 2 girls sitting at her table. I thought Whatever to hell with it. I went over to the table said a couple of things to the girls and made them laugh. For once I actually felt like someone cared. Then later I learned her name was Olive and she gave me her number. I loved her a lot. We went on dates and we had an amazing time. Then a couple weeks later a girl wrote a note that had a heart and my name on it. Olive found it and we got into a argument and that was it. I spent my days again getting headaches from my parents. That night I slept at my friends house. I knew she wouldn't let me in because her parents would never let a boy sleep over at a girl's house. So for the entire night I was on the front porch laying on the wood floor with my winter coat as my pillow. It was raining that day instead of snowing. I've always had a good positive vibe in rain. It relaxed me and made me feel better. In the morning the rain stopped and I had to go to school. Instead I ditched and my friend's parents let me in while their daughter was at school. It was until the next morning till I went back to my house again. My parents were screaming at me as usually so I just went straight to my room. I felt like I couldn't let myself live. I hated myself. The girl that put the note in my bag was not to blame but I was. I forgot to take it out and I hated myself for that. Now the world seems like a dying flower ready to be drifted off by the autumn wind.
To be able to express my feeling is amazing but it still doesn't help me.
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