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This past week, I have succumbed to my depression and anxiety. I have always been an anxious and depressive person, but this past week has been especially hard. And it's not one thing in particular that has been hard, it's just everything. I told myself last week, I was going to get a lot of things done, and I've only finished two items on that list. I told myself I was going to go to the gym but walked in my home because I was too afraid to go, afraid someone would look at me and think "why is she here?" I was going to get up early, but slept at least 14 hours each night and took naps during the day.
I tried so hard to do those things I said I was going to do, but I became "too tired" or "too stressed" to do them. It's like my mind is shut down, and it can't get out of this depressive loop it's in. It doesn't help that my family nags me about going outside, or doing things, or having a boyfriend. They think it's weird I'm such a homebody, but they don't understand. They think I'm just lazy, but in reality, my mind won't let me, and I know that sounds odd, but it's true. It's like my mind has power over me, and all I can do is sit and let it take over.
My biggest fear is failure, and not being accepted, which both happen a lot. I have been thinking about that a lot this week too. My friends are out doing wonderful things. They have jobs, are married, have animals, and I'm over here trying to make ends meet with grad school and work and about to start an unpaid internship. I just feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. I've felt that way for a long time though.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. I know I should be okay with who I am and live each day to it's fullest, but it's hard when your brain rather shut down then turn on and explore the world.
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