Validation

Hello,

My name is X and I'm falling apart again.

Will you hear me?

Last Sunday we went to the beach. The tide was low, and the moon was full. I watched the light dance along the waters surface, my eyes followed the shimmering to my skin, then to his. My nose burned in the cold, but there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

The next morning, I felt something strange.

"Do you have any intention of going further with this relationship?"

He was honest. I cried. He took me home. I said goodbye. I cried more. No amount of cigarettes, gin, Waffle House or tears could comfort me. My sister and I set up the Christmas tree that day.

Have you seen the photograph of the late 1800's samurai committing seppuku? It was something like that. I had to cut him out of my own stomach. It is now 7:32 AM Wednesday, and I am still bleeding, but I am not dying. I had failed to do it right. I still called him, and texted him. Last night I finally mustered the strength to delete the texts and photos. But I can't delete him. I can't remove this red mark from my memory. I can't start over and I can't stop crying. I went from good to bad, to great then terrifying. I deleted the place I met him.

But how can I delete lying to the hospital staff to be there for him when he needed me?

How am I to delete the sense of validation he gave to me?

Is there a method for removing every moment, every memory?

I was having half of him, and he was having all of me. I thought reclaiming myself would bring me some sort of relief. But now there is only loneliness.