Why?

It's been a year and seven months. Its been a year and seven months since i left you. We were together for 1 year and 9 months. We were young when we started dating, but you were my best friend. Things were good at the start, but then you began to hurt me. I dont know if you meant to but you did. Each day, you added more salt to the open wound on my heart, but it kept beating for you. I told myself i was happy, but looking back now im not sure if i was.

When we went to different schools, i knew things would change, but i tried convincing myself that you would put in as much effort as i was willing to. We saw each other each weekend but each weekend i felt more and more scared. Scared of how cruel and insensitive you would be. Scared of how blind you would be as to how i was feeling. Scared to admit that i was in "love" with someone who was hurting me. I began to think thoughts iv'e never thought before, wondering how badly i would have to hurt myself for you to notice me and for you to share any actual affection and care for me. I drowned in my tears for so many nights out of the month that i lost 8 pounds. Do you call that love?

But enough was enough. I'd been forced to leave you, but somehow i still wanted you in my life. What was it? manipulation? abuse? my friends thought it was. All i know is i lost myself in trying to please you and love you, but all i felt was pain and emptiness. I wasn't myself anymore, i wasnt happy, i was miserable and helpless.

But then, tell me WHY? tell me WHY, after a year and seven months, im thinking about you again. I had been fine up until a few weeks ago, when things started reminding me of you. I began replaying some of our conversations in my head, wondering if you really meant what you said, and thinking about different ways i could have expressed to you how i felt, without you making me apologize for the way i felt.

My heart had been fine for a year and seven months. But now, it feels that nervous feeling again.. the one i used to feel when we were together. Not because i was excited to be with you but because i was nervous about what was coming, i felt like it was something bad and unexpected. But tell me WHY, i feel the urge to contact you again. Maybe try and be friends? Maybe try to have closure? Talk about what happened? We are more mature now right? Our friend pranked us and made you talk on the phone with me 3 weeks ago. All you said was hi and how are you, and i felt like i needed more.

But im scared. Im scared to fall back into whatever cycle of manipulative "love" i was with you. Im scared to lose myself again. But tell me WHY youre in my thoughts again, and i feel like i want to talk to you again...