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So I've always been a person that has loads of anxiety and stresses out over anything and everything really, even the smallest tasks. If I don't get a 100% sure answer about what time we are going, IF we are going and stuff like that, I get small panic attacks. I really can't help it, it's just the way I am. I like having everything organised in order to feel calm and less stressed. But lately in addition to all of that, I have pushed away everyone from my life. Friends, best friends, everyone. Some of them deserved it to be honest, they were just "fake friends" basically, just hanging around in case they needed something or in case they couldn't find anyone else to go out, I would be their spear person basically. And I kinda always knew that, I just didn't wanna admit it to myself. That I didn't have any actual real friends, that is. So now I have been all alone and friendless for about a month. And I have gotten pretty depressed. I feel like everyone I come in contact with, I manage to piss off or make them hate me, or just do something wrong without meaning to of course. And then there is the issue with boyfriends. And my sex life. Which is basically non existence in my life anymore. (I am 22 by the way) I could have meaningless sex if I wanted to. Anyone can do that. But I don't want to. I would love to be in a loving relationship. With someone who shares the same kind of crazy as me. Who doesn't think I'm weird, or too nice, or whatever else.. And no matter what I do, what I change, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I might one day wake up and feel amazing, beautiful, happy. And then, ALWAYS someone manages to make me feel like shit and feeling stupid for ever THINKING for a second that I am pretty or whatever.I hate society. I hate people. I hate everyone. I have so much anger and pain inside of me. It's as if they all GET something that I apparently do not, and that I probably just cant make my brain stop analyzing everything so much and just breath. I just want to turn off my brain and be like everyone else. "Normal". but it's impossible, no matter what. I've tried everything. And no, suicide is not a solution for me. I would never ever cause so much pain to my parents. Never. I'd rather live with my pain for ever. Which I don't want to either obviously. So I am stuck again. Banging my head trying to just figure out what it is I'm not getting. According to people I am ugly, I am a slut, I am stupid and ignorant. According to me, I am a perfectly normal girl, pretty but not beautiful, not fat, not skinny, just normal, kind at heart, reasonable, and I overthink because I can't control that. But I try my hardest to be like others. So yeah, I just do not know anymore. I don't know what my next step is. I've been through so much. And it just never seems to end for me. Every year just get worse, I have tried being positive, I have changed my style, I have changed friends, work etc, I have changed my habits. And still same results.
So now this is my life: no friends, no boyfriends or whatever, no job, just depressed as hell sitting at home, smoking cigarettes and just thinking of every little details.. over and over.
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I totally feel you. I know how hard it is to go through all that pain all by yourself. Have you tried seeking advice from a therapist? I cannot say if it will help you (for me it didnt work, or maybe i am not ready as you to let go all of those people that are hurting me) but it will help you feel less calm and at least have someone talk to.
Be strong! I am sure one day you will find your path and be happy surrounded by people tha truly love you!
And please dont say again that you are not normal! I used to believe that for myself because of these feelings that i didnt know who to talk to and thought they were weird, but i came to the conclusion that actually this is what normal is, not pretending and living a fake life.
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