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I feel deep inside, my soul begging and pleading for the pain to end... and it doesn't.
I feel the void within and my mortality shining through, and I have to admit I'm not all that nervous for when that day is upon me.
I am not asking for resolve, for I feel I am very misunderstood. That has long been accepted as infallible in my mind, whilst I have come to the realization that there is most likely no greater plan or fate for me.
I will try to make this short, as I know that the minutes of our lives count far greater than the time it takes to read these words.
I will start by admitting, that I am, so very hurt and broken with what I've experienced. And although you may not know me, just saying that is very difficult for me to admit, let alone typing it for anyone who may be reading this.
I feel as though I've wasted my love, which had a finite amount, and there's simply none left in me. My spirit feels empty, as though I gave myself away and didn't realize I needed to keep some for myself. I just gave it all away in hopes it would be cherished and safe, and didn't realize that eventually the well would dry up. Once it was all gone there wasn't much left inside me other than flaws for others to find. I now not only question my ability to be able to love, but another's ability to see anything in me worth loving.
So, after years of this continuous battle, I just stopped talking about it. I see with clarity in that most people don't really want to help, they only feel obligated to do so, so that they don't feel guilty about not helping someone in need. I now only seek help if it is life threatening and or urgent.
In all honesty I just feel utterly helpless and broken... Also, I don't know why I even still miss the ones who left me to rot away like this. But I miss them, every day, and they're gone, and I'm left here dying because I didn't deserve their love.
I have felt so much sadness, as I'm sure most of us do, and yet my memory keeps that alive in me. Of all the things I remember, the things I want to forget the most are the ones I see most vividly. Being unappreciated and unworthy is what I now find myself always expecting... To be left behind and abandoned by those I've loved so dearly.
I am a 31 year old male and I have suffered since I was a teenager with my physical and mental health issues. Despite the extensive amount of visits to doctors, counsellors, hospitals, psychiatrists, and even specialists, I'm still very much in pain every day. I've even considered how far I've had to go to seek out help on my own in the past and how little I felt my life has been valued in those situations. It doesn't give you much, if any, hope when you aren't taken seriously in the eyes of your own doctor.
I have lived a very lonely, isolated life, even when surrounded by familiar faces. I'm sure anyone who has taken the time to read this far will know all too well that being alone is not always without company.
I do almost nothing, because the pain of doing most anything physical exhausts me to the point of being bed ridden for days on end. I am literally in a state of perpetual exhaustion and there is very little I can do with my time that keeps my pain at a tolerable level.
For those of you who fight this battle every day, I am so sorry.
Now, I know what some of you will think... That maybe the depression and anxiety are compounding the physical pain. Although I will admit you are most likely right, it is irrelevant whether the physical pain or emotional pain came first.
Even if I could simply set aside all the emotional trauma and psychological factors that have led me to where I am today, I want you understand the fact is that pain is pain. Period.
I want you to understand that pain can be silent... It can be let out only so many times before it turns inward. And last night was one of those nights...
My state was so bad I was crying uncontrollably on the inside to the point that my tears were running down my face but I couldn't even let out a scream. I think it's because I knew no one was listening and if by chance someone heard it, it would just bring attention to myself that I also try to avoid as I have high social anxiety and don't want that kind of attention.
I had to drown it all out so I built up enough strength to get out of bed and grab my headphones. I crawled straight back into bed and you know what I found myself doing, creating a new playlist on my phone. Title: Bucket List. Yes, bucket list, the list of all the songs I have in my library that describe how I felt in those hours where I would have gladly accepted deaths embrace. Bucket List, the playlist I would expect anyone who ever cared about me to listen to, in its entirety, whether they liked the music or not, to try to understand the extent of my agony. I think if we all took a little more time to learn about each other maybe many of us wouldn't feel this way.
If you have been injured or abused whether physically, emotionally, or even sexually, pain is pain. Period. If you cannot understand this at least try to be empathetic. I am able to accept that if you have not experienced pain in this way, it would be very hard to imagine it.
Try to remember a time where you were physically injured... Maybe falling down the stairs, in a car crash, broken a limb, etc...
Now try to remember a time where you were emotionally crippled, had a broken heart, had a loved one pass away, were in an abusive relationship, etc.
Can you tell me where either of those memories manifest their pain? It's not current, but the memory of both those events can be equally painful.
We may all experience pain in different ways, and I feel terrible that I am writing about my experiences when I know there are so many others out there who have it much worse than I do.
But I have to make it clear that pain is pain, period.
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Pain, is debilitating. Whether it be physical or mental. I don’t believe you need to justify the pain you feel. Give yourself permission to hurt. Allow yourself to fully acknowledge your pain without comparing it or without minimizing it. Let it hurt, and cry. Try to understand where it comes from, get to the root. I believe the only way out is through, but you need to do the uncomfortable work. Facing all that pain is not easy. Have compassion for yourself, most of all you are allowed to feel what you feel. Period.
ReplyI couldn't tell why I came to Novni today. It was definitely a result of trying to cope with chronic illness, but I could neither put my feelings into words nor find a perspective that would define a glimmer of hope for me.
Until I found this, you, and your (extremely well written) perfect description of this experience. Especially that feeling of knowing someone will hear you scream, and feeling the social anxiety clamp down that could-have-been release.
I've had an ongoing open wound for 2 years, multiple years of antibiotics ravaged my immune system and gut flora, and have managed 37 years of anxiety and depression.
That feeling you spoke of, when exhaustion is perpetual and your life becomes a series of rest and..nothing? The very act of cheering up, doing an activity, that is the epitome of what is needed becomes the unattainable dream in a relentless cycle?
I feel you there.
(Corona certainly didn't help- I've been quarantined for 1.5 years).
I wish I had words for you.. But as I say, it was you who put words to my feelings tonight.
All I can offer is that we are still here.
I don't think many people truly grasp what a monumental task it is to earn that statement. Fighting for your health and life doesn't require less energy as time goes on, it requires more. It couldn't care less if our energy is draining by the bucket every day - it demands double tomorrow.
And it's -so- hard to keep fighting.
But somehow, we have. We must have, because although neither of our writings this evening are the cheeriest prose to say the least, we have both survived.
I suppose this isn't much in the way of comfort, and my apologies, but at least know that I too come from a place that has little comfort to be offered.
And we're both still here.
Thank you so much for sharing. Today I feel somehow less alone in this struggle. I'll remember this, and you.
..
I hope you find a way to thrive. I'll keep looking, too.
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