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I'm a disabled artist in a negative relationship, yet full of creativity and hope, what should I do?
6 years ago · 1 · Stress, +8
1528
Hello there...not used to this sort of thing or reaching out to most people in general.
I'm in a relationship for a little over a year now with a man who I love dearly but I don't think can ever love me as compassionately as I truly need. I have a physical disability which is not being state recognized due to it being -invisible- and thus I have not been able to work or really bring in much income for around five years now.
I met this man over a year ago, told him about all my issues right away, and have gone through a whirlwind of both good and bad since. He has shown amazing things in the past in some areas others could not (like dependability with finances). However his level of compassion for my life, especially being an emotional creature, is so low I often feel like I'm worth nothing. I have gone through multiple levels of depression since with him and even experienced suicidal thoughts when I haven't in years.
I'm too sick to leave, per usual. My disability keeps me from being able to hold down a job, for years, and now that it's been a few years, new employers don't even seem to want to hire me because I don't have recent job experience. One of the last jobs I worked at, I fainted and nearly cost them thousands of dollars in equipment. It's difficult.
I have an associates degree, I am an artist, I do beauty-blogging and am trying to make a YouTube potentially for it, along with a couple other creative endeavors, but in the meantime I feel alone because my partner isn't emotional or artistic at all and does not absorb the same kind of ~energies~ I do.
I want to say I can make it, I can wait till I can support myself. But it's been so many years of being alone and being in pain with the wrong partner, I don't know what will happen.
As much as I am happy and excited about pursuing growth this year, I am also scared. I am a very genuine woman with a heart of gold, the spirit of an artist, and the compassion of a mother. I just wish I could find my own, right opportunities, with my passions and abilities, and not have to rely on other people anymore.
I either want to be loved for who I am, or be alone.
I have spent most of my life being afraid of the people I live with and I am so, so tired of it.
Thank you <3
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Basically, what I said was that you need to STOP for a moment and take a big, deep breath. There are a lot of issues going on here, but the main one seems to be your unhappiness in your current relationship. Your Partner's inability to open up seems to be taking quite a toll on you.
In any relationship, compromise and being able to talk about feelings and emotions are pivotal components for a healthy relationship, and it seems yours is lacking in this regard. How does your Partner react when you try and open up? Also, are there other aspects of the relationship you view as positive, or does it mostly seem negative? Bear in mind, that he too, might also be struggling with personal demons, but might just not know how to talk about it. In today's society for a man, it's not seen as being macho being in touch with ones feelings, so maybe he genuinely just doesn't know how to open up. This might be something you can work on together!
Regarding your career and ambitions, when your feeling better, it might be an idea to do some volunteer work. Nothing too heavy, just something you would enjoy. That way you can talk about this at interviews and you've also got a source for a character reference.
Also, with your beauty blogging and possible creation of your youtube channel, I say go for it, let your creative juices flow! Your Partner might not be in to it, but that's OK! He doesn't need to be. This is YOUR project, something you can have COMPLETE CONTROL AND POWER OVER. I think this is something you need for your confidence and mental well being. It will give you something to focus on and be proud of, so go for it. Spread your wings, don't be scared!!!
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