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Sometimes I dream of my death.
Each time, as a blade pierces my skin, I’m heroic. My body jumps in front to save another, or another tries to save me. Either way, I’ve left my mark on the world; people would remember me.
I wonder if people would cry freely if I died; would their spoken words reflect upon their actions? Would each hesitant, “I love you,” be shrouded with tears and grief?
It’s twisted and corrupt, but I want to know. I’d like to know if my existence is really worth something here. Or am I really just another blank face?
Dying while saving another doesn’t seem like a bad way to go, in fact, I wouldn’t mind death then. I’d welcome it with open arms. The grim reaper would smirk and I would accept.
Would it be like Amanda Todd’s death? Publicly broadcasted across the country only to cease and be forgotten about? Would I receive the same hate for my death? Would people become angry and hostile towards my decision?
And what about the person I’d save? Would they be traumatized for the remainder or their life or would they be thankful towards me?
Yeah, death doesn’t seem too bad then. In this world where I’m confused, angsty and sad, I’d gladly give up my monotone life to save the dynamic life of someone else.
I’m such a scary cat though - would I be able to do it? I dream of robbers knocking down our doors, looting us, cornering me, killing me. Not just dreaming while I’m asleep, but day dreaming too. Does that mean that I’m wishing for that? To be killed and then remembered?
I want my life to mean something. I want to be here for a reason yet I’m so tired. Life is so stressful and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Might as well go out with a bang.
Yet all these words and I know I’ll never follow through with this; just wishful thinking. I’m too scared of everything - people, life, death.
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