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I was working on my Master's degree when I life began spiraling. Truth be told, I had been getting sicker and sicker for awhile. This was just the tipping point. The proverbial straw.
Now, i can't think right most of the time. I hate that my brain struggles to find the right words and the right order to say them in even if i do manage to find the right words. I hate that I struggle to do normal every day things like make appointments, cook dinner, shower, read.. everything has become such a struggle.
I hate that I don't engage with others because I never know what my brain will do to me. I hate that I no longer have the ability to communicate clearly, to assimilate new information, to retain comprehension. I hate what my life has become.
I hate struggling to just get through the day. I hate the fatigue. I hate the weakness of my muscles. I hate the steroids that make life possible. I hate the insurance company for denying better treatment. I hate the loss of "self".
I hate this "new normal". I hate that it feels as if no one understands and I hate that i seem so lazy. I hate that I have to choose between using energy to breathe or digest a meal. I hate knowing that those things are even something that requires making a choice over. I hate the pain.
I hate the pain. I hate the pain. I hate the pain. It is never ending and unrelentless. Yet, no seems to want to believe that you can live in constant pain and learn to adapt. It makes it no less painful.
I hate doctors that don't listen. I hate doctors that don't believe me. I hate tests and medications.
I hate me.
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Be kind to yourself, the way you would be kind to a best friend who is dealing with the same.
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