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I have a crushing fear of failure.
I am so afraid of failing that I think the best thing is to not even try.
I have important exams coming up and rather than studying I think of new ways to not write them.
My family is very academic centered. Everything is about intelligence and how smart you are. My brother is a literal genius.
He's always been the smart one. Day in and day out he reminds me of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm well above average intelligence. I'm just not as smart as he is.
He keeps calling me dumb. I've on occasions heard my parents say it too. That I'm just not as smart as him.
It doesn't seem to matter that I'm the talented one. He's insulted my paintings by saying he could do better if he wanted to because he is so smart.
I have severe migraine issues, which made my life a living hell. I have lived in continuous pain for months. They're mostly factored in by genetics. But he told me that it's my fault that I have them. That really hit me hard because he's a doctor now. Well, nearly a doctor now. It just hurts so so much. I love them more than anything and yet this all I get to hear. That its my fault I'm in unbearable pain. My brother also has substance abuse issues and all that really affects me a lot. But my parents say it shouldn't affect me. The worst thing is that everything seems to come out during my exams and I somehow still have to manage to keep it all together and study and score the highest. If I don't I'm worthless. My mom once told me she was ashamed to go to my parent teacher meeting because of my marks. I am literally the class topper. All this just makes me to scared to try.
Lately, ever since I've had my migraines (last July) they've been a lot nicer but I just can't seem to forget that all this has happened and sometimes their old attitude seeps back in.
I love my family more than anything. I love them so much that I make things that I couldn't possibly control my problems to deal with and I manage to do that successfully too. My life is basically me, the youngest handling the three adults in my house and making sure they're fine.
I am just so tired. Tired of living like this.
I don't tell anyone about all this.
I have a lot of best friends so I fragment my story up and tell them all a little. No one knows the full story and sometimes I wish I could tell someone but I'm too scared of trusting anyone that much. I also don't want any pity or shitty advice. Its frustrating that no one seems to get how I feel.
Isnt life supposed to be easier?
I've just been struggling for the past 4 years. Everyday is a fight and a struggle. Sometimes with them, sometimes with myself, sometimes with my friends.
I just want to give up but I can't because I don't want to hurt the people close to me. The migraines have made everything about 10x worse. Concentrating is hard enough for me but with the unbearable pain that migraines cause its impossible. How am I supposed to study and focus on my future like this?
I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday is a struggle and sleep is the only escape. I don't want to open up to anyone but I hate feeling so isolated.
I just dont want to disappoint my family by failing but I'm too tired to try. I don't think people are supposed to feel like this at 18 but I'm so overwhelmed, worn out and just absolutely sick of fighting.
what if I can't do it?
I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel weak. I don't even let myself feel emotions for the most part because they make me vulnerable and weak.
Any advice please?
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If you don't try you are guaranteed to fail. if you try you may fail or you may succeed. The choice is yours. Guaranteed failure or a chance at success.
ReplyI know that but half the time I feel too depressed to do anything at all. Everything I do is almost always a half assed effort.
ReplyI know what you mean but life is really short and it's kind of too short to keep half assing it. If you do, you'll regret it. And it really hurts to live with regret. it hurts a lot. So much more than I ever realized it would. Please don't do that to you
ReplyThat helps. Thank you
ReplyWow!
ReplyI relate to what you are saying and throughout my school career I, too, experienced the fear of failure. It is something I am still consistently struggling with and I think I always will. But failing is a part of life. Everyone fails and has failed. As cliche as it is going to sound, it's what you do with that failure. You can either let it defeat you or overcome it and come out stronger. Nothing I say is going to magically make things better for you or change how you think. But you can. The only way to get over your fear of failure is to fail and come through stronger.
My best suggestion would be to seek out someone to talk to. Take the risk and open up.
ReplyI almost did open to someone. But he has his own issues and I don't want to burden him with mine. I was really, really close to opening up but then his issues became really bad and now his attitude towards everything is changed and I feel like its not the same person anymore. Thanks for the advice tho.
Reply1) You are not weak. Do not repress these things, because they will crop up later and they will be worse. Let it out now. 2) You are not worthless, you are a human being on this planet, and whether you are religious or not, that is an amazing miracle 3) Have you tried voicing how much pressure they put on you? If not, maybe it would help things? 4) You owe nothing to no one. I get loving your family, I adore mine, but if theyre hurting you, you have to do whats best for you. 5)If you have talent, embrace it! You are good at stuff, and don't let anyone forget it! Your brother might be smart and good at some things, but just because he says he can do what you do, doesn't mean he can, and doesn't mean he is. You do you!
ReplyThank you so much for your support and kind words. I really needed this.
ReplyDon't you think something is sounding wrong in here? Like you brother is not perfect, still he dams you? For what? He is afraid that you will take up his place? His repeated rantings have convinced you and your parents as well that you are good for nothing. This is called manipulation. If you get me. Start telling them that they have yet to see, You are best. Start saying that "YOU ARE THE BEST".
And by the way you are best. You know why? I grew up in similar situation. my big sis was the big shot - academically. And i was the tail-less 9. i love her like crazy (still do). I was dragged down by comparing with her. I drew as well (she never could stand my additional skills). Fast forward, I have a PG, she don't (this fact bugs my mom still and she didn't let me go for an additional PG. ***by the way I love my mom the most***). I have a job, she don't. I can handle 5 languages, she can't. I am single, she's married - and she bugs me on that topic. Still I love them all.
You can do it. you are best. Partly your brother is right. You are trying to take the cover of your migrain to give up.
ReplyThat was really motivational. Thank you so much. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one stuck in such a shitty situation. As for my brother, he's had life served to him on a gold platter. He's just like that. I still love to pieces tho. I wish I didn't care about him so much because it always ends with him hurting me. But I can't help it.
And as for the migraines, i really dont know what to say because I've inherited it from my mom and its pretty much out of my control. I try my best to study through the pain but thats pretty impossible.
ReplyThank you dear. Trust me. You can. This is all a part of growth. grow up well. Love your brother more. There will come a time when he needs your support and assurance. you are capable dear. So just keep going. You will grow out of your migraine as well. GOOD LUCK
ReplyThank you so much. This is honestly so motivating. I am going to do the best I can.
ReplyYou must, because you want to. Will cheer and pray for you. take care
ReplyHugs from afar.
ReplyThanks. It's really appreciated.
Reply