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“Why don’t you share things with us?” My mom asks me. She doesn’t know how bad I want to share things with her, how bad I want to share my happiness with both of them.
It’s not easy being the child in a South Asian immigrant family and growing up in the US. It’s like you’re constantly being pulled from two sides- your family and the environment you’re growing in.
They say,“I want you to be a strong, independent, educated, outspoken woman just like any other American woman.” Key word: American. “No, that’s too American. I want you to stay home, stay away from boys and be respectful.” Key word: Respectful.
A respectful person, in my eyes, is someone who shows kindness towards others, is honest, polite and treats others the way they want to be treated. A respectful person is someone who works hard to succeed in life, and leads a conscientious life.
However, my parents (and many other South Asian parents) think that being a respectful woman is not going out with your friends, not having a boyfriend, and always doing what their parents say.
How am I supposed to become a strong, independent, outspoken woman when I’m constantly being told that making my own decisions is wrong, making choices for myself makes me a disgrace to the family and that I am not capable of making the right decisions? It’s not possible.
You tell me you want me to share things with you. You feel angry and hurt when you find out that I’ve had a boyfriend for two years. And then you proceed to blame me and tell me what a mistake I made. But did you ever step back and ask yourself why this happened? Why was your daughter not able to express her feelings and share her life with her own mother? Why?
How am I supposed to share anything with you when all you have done scare me and manipulate me? I understand that this is how you grew up. You grew up in a country where it wasn’t normal to even be friends with a boy. You were taught that it’s wrong to go out with friends, especially if you are a girl. You were raised in a place where finding someone you love is seen as a bad thing. You believe that we shouldn’t have the right to pick our own partners. But this isn’t 20 years ago in your hometown. This is today and it’s 2018 and you’re in America.
You think you’re doing the right thing when you continuously manipulate and blackmail me with comments like “My daughter would never have a boyfriend”, “My daughter would never do such a shameful thing like having boyfriend”.
Stop. Just stop. Stop making me feel horrible for having a boyfriend. Stop making it sound like I’ve committed a ginormous crime because I’m in a relationship with someone I love just because it doesn’t follow your narrow minded conservative values. I’m not a bad person because I found a man who respects, loves and cherishes me. I’m not wrong, disrespectful or a disgrace for being happy with a man just because I picked him and you didn’t.
You’re wrong for having the narrow minded concept that your daughter’s worth depends on whether she is in a relationship of not. I’m not characterless because I’m dating a guy who I feel is good for me. I have every right to decide who I want to be with and you don’t get to manipulate and shame me for making my own decisions. You’re shameful for thinking that your daughter’s respectfulness comes from whether she’s dating or not. My respectfulness is not determined by such narrow minded values. My respectfulness is determined by my kindness, my hardwork, my empathy, my will to help others and my determination.
I am human. There’s only so much I can handle until I just can’t anymore. You’re holding me back from becoming the best version of myself. You’re constantly telling me I’m not capable of making my own decisions and it’s hindering me. You forced me to lie to you. You forced me to hide things from you.
Mom, this is why I don’t share things with you.
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