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Well, today was terrible.
I don't understand why I can't be happy. I feel like I'm drowning and I'm hopeless.
I feel angry because I'm wasting my time being sad and in wasting the time I have with my parents while they are here.
I hate feeling so sad, and then angry for being such.
Today was terrible, I had a test which I bombed completely. I had no clue what o was doing, the questions didn't math what we were studying and I know I failed cause I guessed on all of them. Plus I didn't have time to go over it.
I've never gotten lower than a 90% on a test and I know a lot of people are going to get all angry at me saying "why are you complainging that's a good mark " or thinking "don't be such a whiny bitch, stfu"
But I don't care, 90% to me is terrible as I usually get95%.
I hate feeling like I do because I know I am better off than a lot fi other people and then I feel worse and like an ungrateful spoiled brat. But even with all I have I i ant feel happy. It's like I was born to be depressed.
But the thing is, I feel good for like a week or so and then everything crashes again. But it's gotten worse, because now I have no motivation to make myself study or understand or tomlearn.
I used to love learning but I just can't anymore. Everything came automatically for me, and now it's hard to think sometimes. I feel like sometimes I actually just can't think at all. This scares me because I can't figure out problems on my own and when I get help, I don't understand what I stuck on or when they explain it my brain blank out.
I'm so stressed cause I need to get good grades this year and next year otherwise I'm not gonna get into a good university(that is if I don't end it all first)
I'm so tired, of feeling like ntohong, nothing is important to me anymore, and yet it is. I don't even know how to explain it.
The most annoying part is, I don't know what I can do to make it better.
I want to leave this place so bad sometimes, but I'm scared about what happens if I'm not successfully and it leaves me brain damaged or something.
But what if I am successful? What's next? Am I going to hell because I took my own life, like other people have told me?
Sometimes I just want someone else to know how much I hurt and to get me help.
But I've been to councillors before and they say I am the only person who can make me feel bette. Essebtially I am on my own either way. They say no one can do this for me, I have to chose to be happy, I've tried I really have but it never lasts, if someone could teach me how to be happy it might work or not. I don't know how to be happy .
I found a website that tells you how to end your life, but so far nothing is 100% sucess without brain damage if your unsuccessful.
I hate being like this, I can't even get help if I wanted to. No psychologist will call me back.
I really want to say fuck them all how can they say they can help if they won't even call me back.
Sometimes o think I hate everyone, I can't feel anythng towards anyone, I don't feel friendship or connections. I could not care less if the people I talk to at school died.
I hate being this nasty hateful person, I don't like thinking this way. I wasn't like this always but I feel like everyday I im slipping, what if this is the true me I've been hiding?
I hate how people joke about wanting to kill them self or how they say well my life sucks, or omg I'm dying on the inside lol jk I'm already dead.
I want to shout at them fuck you screw you! You don't know what it feels like to feel as shitty as I do. I hate that it's become okay to joke about suicide because those that are crying out for help don't get heard or aren't taken seriously.
I'm glad this is anonymous because I don't want people to know what a terrible person I am.
No body knows I am depressed, I've been holding it together for four years. Everyone thinks I'm the quiet girl in that back who gets straight As and has nothing to worry about. Teacher have high expectations of me and so do my parents. I don't get how I have managed so long . But now I'm starting to unravel and. A part of me wants everyone to know how much I'm hurting, yet I know I can't do this.
If I commit I wonder if I would be watching over ppl, I wish I could see how many people would miss me if I did commot.
I know many will say there are already reasons to love or people who care about me.
But after my parents are gone, there is no one. My parents are my only family, all other relatives are either on drugs or. Are miles away and aren't very close relationshipwise, I haven't seen them in years and they are very cold towards me.
I don't have friends, I have people I be gone to school with since grade seven, but we only talk about school stuff, they couldnt care less about how anyone is feeling.
Well, goodbye o giess, I dont think I am going to commit, but I haven't ruled it out yet.
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Once I say this, please do some research and see if this resonates as much as I see it does for you. It sounds like you have ADHD and you’ve developed coping mechanisms that have gotten you this far in life but anxiety is getting the best of you and it’s creating depression and all the negative you feel. I don’t know if you are female, but if so emotional issues are often written off as hormonal, etc. and it’s why so many women’s ADHD goes under the radar. A key component of ADHD which was taken out of the diagnostic book (because it was too hard for doctors to measure) is emotional issues. I hear so much of the version of myself years ago in your words. Once I was properly diagnosed my entire life suddenly made sense and it’s gotten so much better. I’m not saying this will be the case for you, but sometimes there is something going on with us far beyond the surface and “choosing to be happy” isn’t always the fix. If you can, seek ADHD testing and see where that takes you. Good luck and don’t give up. You seem like a bright light that has temporarily dimmed but that doesn’t mean your light should be turned off.
Keep shining even when you don’t feel as bright.
ReplyI know I have it, taken medication for years for it and it worked, I get 98% and what not but everything Is slipping.
Reply98% grades to clarify
ReplyI'm just done, I hate it, I hate that I have it, and don't see the point anymore
ReplyI sometimes hate that I have it too but then I remind myself that everything is temporary and everything that felt longer than temporary, I survived it. I think you can too. I know what it’s like to feel alone and not understood. I also have no friends. No real friends that I can turn to and lean on. Most days I only have myself and I learned to be my own best friend. Corny I know but in my mind nobody is better than me so I lean on myself. When I need help I watch YouTube videos. I’ve convinced myself that this pain and heartache I deal with is part of an ascension journey. Probably bogus but it’s made me feel like I’m part of something bigger than me and that keeps me going. I think that’s the key to it: find something that you can feel connected to. Maybe people like us are these indigo children I learn about. Maybe this pain is our growth.
Reply