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It is every night of my life now: waking up to nightmares and memories of my past; the night terrors; feelings of sadness and deep loss. My body shakes and my heart races; my mind recalls the experiences of how I was hunted. I was repeatedly abducted from my family; stolen from even my own bedroom, family, and public school and other places by a law enforcement officer. I was locked away, sometimes in even a government jail. Sometimes I was even chained and tied up; raped; sodomized; tortured; terrorized; stalked and controlled. Exploited starting when I was a young teenager for many years.
I've shared some of my childhood hurt before online on other websites.
Readers have sent me email replies.
They call me a psycho.
They call me sick.
They even call me a liar.
It's difficult to have lived what I lived, and then be called things.
Even psychologists, therapists, and other mental health professionals question my accounts of what I lived. A psychiatrist who read some of my life story of rape and child slavery giggled and laughed. She thought it was funny.
I've had psychologists and therapists tell me they are "not equipped," think I am "delusional," say I am "obviously wrong," tell me my "story sounds made up" and "doesn't make sense." Express other things that make me realize I may as well not get help because it's pointless.
How do I get even grown trained mental health professionals to believe me?
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Hey if you say it happened then I believe you that's what we're here for we all need help and support so first things first and like I said I believe you but DO you have any proof to show to the professionals ? Also how old are you, are you male or female and what country do you live in ? Just so I have a better picture of how I can help šš it sounds like you've been through hell and back and I'm sorry you've had to go through that the worst feeling in the world is when people don't believe you.
ReplyIt happened in the United States of America. My family lived in California. I was the stereotypical poster picture beach-loving California teen, with long golden hair and hazel-green eyes, the perfect smile and suntanned skin.
I was carefully selected. Even my family and friends were background checked on law enforcement computers. It's not like a mystery it happened. Lots of law enforcement officers knew. It's just no one had the courage to protect me.
Sometimes I was gone from my family for weeks, my parents not even knowing I was even being taken to other states.
It was no secret to many. When a teen is getting sexually exploited like I was it is no secret.
So what does it matter if I am 19 or just turned 20? Would it matter if I was 100?
My age is of no consequence at all because justice will never get served. I will never get back the years of my life that were robbed from me.
I will never feel safe again.
ReplyI know it's a cliche but 1 day you will feel safe again someone will come into your life and make you believe that everything will be okay and you're right you won't get those years back but do you want to lose more years being consumed by what happened? I can't and never will be able to understand what you went through and what you go through on a daily basis but believe it or not you're stronger than you think as you're still here now and haven't let you're past consume you. That I do know a bit about something happened to me when I was 16 that I will never be able to talk about and that consumed me I locked myself in my room for at least a year I never left the house the only time I came out of my room was to use the bathroom and somedays it still creeps into my mind but I decided not to let it rule my life I'm not saying that it will be that easy for you but I'm here if you need to vent or just someone to talk too I know this most probably hasn't helped but I hope you at least know that you have someone who you can rely on.
ReplyHey!
It doesn't matter who believes or not!
He the matter of concern is " how can u get out them!"
I know u have gone through a lot,frankly speaking i dont believe in councillors and all, but u just need to say to your self past is past!
Dont hold up to it,ur future is way brighter than u think!
Here wht i do-before going to bed i say to myself "i am gonna have a day tomorrow all filled with hopes and challenges and i will do my best to face them boldly. The dreams tht i see today may it be enlightening and inspiration to start my day"
Remember no matter who doesnt believe,but u definitely should believe in urself !
U will be amazed to see that u were not qht u thought u were! Infact u r special!
God bless u and keep smiling sweetheart š
Maybe you feel different, but I feel a very strong need to be believed.
To not be believed is to deny who I am, and the experiences I lived.
It hurts, even makes me cry, to think evil people hurt me. I was just an ordinary innocent teen living with my family.
And then it changed.
And now I am the one forever trapped in this world of wrongs over what happened.
For me telling others who understand a bit of what I survived helps me.
Most people really have no clue to the amount of terror and violence I experienced.
I was raped and sexually assaulted countless amounts of of times.
That's why I tried before to talk to trained professionals. At least they are supposedly hopefully educated enough to understand better than most about what I went through in those years of my slavery.
But maybe you are right, as obviously I put too much reliance in "talk therapy," as some therapists and counselor's couldn't get past their own hangups and problems in our meetings to even understand or accept the truth to what happened to me.
And that is an interesting point you bring up: You have a positive viewpoint of the future.
Maybe you haven't lived with the terror and sadness of things I had like a sworn uniformed law enforcement officer who broke into my family's home while we slept. A man with a gun (actually sometimes possessing three guns) wake me up in my bed at night by shining a police flashlight into my eyes. Whisper to me to wake up.
And in fear for my life I obeyed.
Sometimes even if I obeyed I still nevertheless got punched later in the stomach or got beaten with a police baton. I had my eyes pepper sprayed later sometimes too if I hadn't listened. All kinds of things that would take a book to explain. It really was like a horror movie of tortures.
In his slavery I'd actually wish to die sometimes.
Just kill me.
Literally.
You have no idea some of the pain I endured.
I was beaten, slapped, punched, and kicked, even bitten by the officer. Left handcuffed and suffocated. Even choked unconscious. Sometimes I'd get dumped off at my school at the start of a new day bruised and bloodied.
I lived in a world of constant daily horror and fear. I don't know if you were ever locked in a an actual real jail as a child, a jail with bulletproof windows and steel doors that buzzed when unlocked. A jail made of concrete walls. I'd never know if the next day I'd get shot in the head, or be allowed to return to my family again. Always forced to have sex.
It was a teenage life for me of constant craziness and frightening things. Even times being forced to ride in a law enforcement patrol car going 120 miles an hour or faster. Forced to remain awake all night, then trying to stay awake at school the next day too.
As a prisoner often having no say in anything. Not even knowing when I could eat or use a bathroom. Living in silence at school and at home and everywhere pretending I was just an ordinary teenager.
All the lies.
All the lies.
So maybe some people can wake up in the morning and say it's a beautiful day.
For me, I live with the hurt of what a sworn officer of the law and his law enforcement friends did to me.
And later, when I got the nerve to report what happened to the local district attorney, she refused to prosecute.
The FBI didn't even bother to respond.
It's because it was cops.
Evil cops.
Officials of my country and criminal justice personnel can no longer deny what I lived as a teen.
That part is irrefutable.
They just say they can't prosecute or do anything over what happened.
Even if I have a the evidence to that what happened to me and other children, it officially still on record never officially happened.
For them, who would want to believe innocent children were stolen from their homes by law enforcement officers, sometimes taken away in a patrol car, and even raped in a University of California hospital?
The facts are far beyond many people to ever believe or even rationally comprehend.
Even with us other survivors we are denied our voice and our protection.
There is no safety.
I live in daily reflection of what the United States of America is as a nation.
It's because I know the truth.
The USA is actually barely a nation, no matter what its leaders proclaim about its might.
I lived the savagery of my country, even when I was only a child, and now I am expected to silently live forever remembering cruelties and lies of my nation too?
I don't think so.
I can't be happy.
I can't be optimistic.
I know my experience is probably still going on with other helpless children.
And I can't stop it unless I get a voice to speak out.
Being realistic by this point, I have no hope for anything. But it must be nice to be an optimist for those who don't live in my reality.
ReplyHey!
I have read wht u have written!
Frankly speaking i hvnt gonne through the things that u have gonne through! I would say ur really strong person!
I agree you have gonne through a lot and its still haunting u but its like two sides of a coin and its ur wish whether u want heads or tails!
If u want ,u can still be in that dead hole and think what happened to u and try convincing ppl who doesnt care or u cn get over and show the ppl around u tht yes i can nd i will be the change! Nothing cn stop me!
Its easy for us all to be in tht dark place bt it take lota of courage to fly !
Dont stop yourself !
Dont hold back urself just because of some ass's!
Think brighter because u deserve it!
I jst want to say atleast i will be aroundu to support u!
So yeah remember me when u think things like tht!
Ur not alone ! May be we can work out together!š
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