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Hey, it's me the same girl who wrote Helpless a few days ago. I don't know why but I cannot control my life, I cannot decide and do things I want. Actually, I don't know what are things I like to in my life. My parents are just sad people and they have mood swings. Like mom can be happy and suddenly she just turns super angry and starts destroying things in the house. All this is due to my father. A silent guy who still doesn't realize even after 20 years of marriage that his silence is a weapon that causes trouble in our life. My mom reacts that way because my father never talks to her (he never talked to her about the serious matters and life plans which couples usually do.) I feel bad for my mom because she reached a point in her life where she had enough and probably she is planning for a divorce. She tried every solution like not talking to him, not doing anything in the house, screaming at him, begging him to talk but nothing. They even did couple therapy and went to a psychologist. Nothing worked, in fact, my mom is the only in this relationship who is active and trying to her best to save their marriage. You guys might think I am harsh with my dad and I am siding mom. No, it's not. I've seen it everything and I saw how my dad doesn't react at all. I was exposed to this at a very young age and that's when I realized that my family is not normal. I first thought they were just petty fights that very couple has but no, it was just getting worse and uglier as the time passes by. That's how I confirmed that my family is not normal. In a way, it did break my heart seeing these as I was hoping to stay with my family. Gradually, I realized it is not possible, home is usually heaven and the place you really comfortable and belonged to. In my case, this house is like a prison and it is hell. I cannot stay with my family. I realized that I will have to move out and never come back to my country. You guys are thinking I am overdramatic but I have enough of their conflict and drama. My life looks like a freaking movie as all the unexpected things come true. Also, it will be simple for my mom to part ways with my dad. She stayed like that for 20 years as she is waiting for me to graduate (empty shell marriage). The only way to return this favour is to graduate from high school, go to university, get a job and be settled somewhere far from the country. Then, she will be able to live her life the way she wanted.
Concerning my dad, I don't know why he is silent! I tried to ask him but he didn't reply of course. My relationship with him doesn't exist. I don't really love him and he doesn't really love me. he never took care of me and never talks to me. he only talks to my small brother. However, I remember when I was small I was attached to him. Actually, an incident occurred a few years ago that makes me hate him. It very difficult for me to say it but pls do not react. He once tried to strangulate because I was talking too much. pls do not think that I should have called the police or something like that because he just wanted me to shut up, he had no intention of killing me. Anyways from that day on, I never talked to him properly.
Basically, this is my whole sad life. I am writing because this conflict that's been developing over the past few years was the reason for my anxiety and depression. I couldn't tell my parents my problems because they were always fighting. So, now I am doing a therapy with a psychologist. I recently had depression an anxiety because I lost my strength and confidence over time due to their fight especially this year their fight was uglier and it is a stress I cannot bear anymore as my workload in school is increasing so more stress from school. My grades recently dropped and that because I was affected a lot now by the fights and the stress from school (i am not emotionally strong as I used to before).
My question is: Is there a way to rebuild confidence and strength? I want to gain my confidence back at least before school starts. The first day of school is in two weeks.
Also, sorry if there is a lot of mistakes in this text. My english not good .
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a- Try to detach from your surroundings , I know its hard in reality but the only thing you can do is to detach .
b- Taking a break from school in order to figure out your inner strength , I personally consider it a retreat , and this is not meant to break you or anything . But even plants needs time so they can grow and bear fruit . How about a person whose surroundings are not supportive ? yes . I think that is your second choice.
c- Have a bondage with your circles like your best friend , if you dont have , seek spirituality and join groups that focus on our inner spirit . It will usually cleanse you from your energy . that which has been infested by your parents .
d- Remind yourself that this is not going to last . everything is going to end one way or the other .
e- I tried not to put emotions to it , my english is bad as well, the one thing you did , is to reach out to people and this is a good thing . there is a solution to any problem , We need to allow and accept so we can recieve . peace and love to you.
ReplyThank you so much.
Detaching myself from my surroundings is something I will be able to do when I finish high school because after graduation I have decided to leave my house and never come back.
It is not possible to take break from school because I am in my final year but I can surely trying to find time for myself in order to find my inner strength. I do have friends who are amazing and with whom I can share my feelings but I don't wanna annoy them a lot so I don't tell them everything.You are right everything has an ending. This ending is coming up, I know things will be over next year after finishing school. Love and peace to you as well
ReplyYou can not fix the world only you
Take all that mess put it in a box. Jump on it put tape on it
Now breath from this day forward you will see your life
Your day your hour your minute your second
Tomorrow the same
Breath you confidence was never shaken just reset
Trying to be an adult and see other problems you never delt
With or been through trying to untangle a knot
It's not me say that over and over
Use head phones when ever you can
Ask them to enroll in a Anger
Management class
ReplyUnfortunately anger management classes won't work. But you are right I can probably work on myself and focus on other things rather than this conflict . Thank you so much for replying.
ReplyI am sorry dear. You are going through a lot in such young age. But I agree to what others commented on your post. When things are not in your control then it is best to spare yourself from that situation. Its hard though. You would have to think about options where to go how to go. May be any relative who knows your situation or your grand parents? See, either you get yourself out of this situation or just learn to ignore what u see in your home. I strongly believe that your mother is the primary person who is suffering with your father's indifferent attitude, so she must take some step for herself and for your future sake. I don't know which country you belong to, what is the situation of women in your country. How difficult it is for a women to get independent in your country? Since you can not control what is happening then just learn to live with it and do not let home environment affect your confidence and inner strength. Infact make this situation the reason for your strength. Focus on your studies, look for a decent job and create a new home with your mother. Till then don't let these things affect u. I know it is easy to say but situations teach us everything we need to learn to survive.
All the best and remember, when nobody seems to be on your side then learn to take your own side. Life is too short to pay attention to things which does not matter. Good Luck.
ReplyHey tahbk you guys for relying. You guys have no idea how these comments are important for me. They mean a lot for me and would hopefully bring a change in my lifestyle.
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