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There is something I am emvarrassed and even uncomfortable to talk about and I haven’t told many people as it is too gruesome and abnormal, I am aware of this. I have no desire to commit suicide in any way, but I have urges to brutally mutilate myself in an unrealistic way (for example, pulling organs out of my body or exposing pure bones from my ribs) random things like that. I’m not going to do that obviously. And it isn’t for coping. The weird part is it is a fascination that I have, and have even had dreams of doing it. The pain was too immense and I would black out, then come back just to see myself physically ruined and then to black out again. One of my dreams ended as I passed out/died forever due to the pain. What is wrong with me?
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Intrusive thoughts. I don't know in your case but it sounds like something that your mind does to relieve stress. It happens to me while I'm making a sandwich or something and I just notice it and keep making my sandwich. It's how I know that something is stressful for me or that I need to fix something in my life that is too much.
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