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In an hour, midnight me will emerge. I can already feel her presence approaching.
You see, midnight me isn't exactly me, only the saddest, darkest and loneliest parts of me. Midnight me cries and cries and cries, she thinks about death and overthinks to the point that she gives herself a headache. Midnight me doesn't see the pillow on her bed for sleeping, but for catching her tears.
She visits every night and only stays for a few hours, yet the damage she deals will take a lifetime to heal.
And in the moments in-between, I am just me. The me who has created such a pretty and perfect facade. The me who pretends to love myself - a fake love - for she hopes that through faking it, she can one day learn to have the real thing. But she appears bright and happy. She appears strong and reliable. And that is all that matters...
I remember the days as a child - where greeting midnight was exciting. To be up and awake at such an hour, giggling in the dark at knowing I had rebelled against my parent's strict bedtime. Midnight marked the start of a new day, and as a kid, I could feel that essence.
Now, I fear midnight, knowing that as I strip down my defences for the day, midnight me, with all her suppressed depression and anxieties, will awaken. She will cry and scream and fearlessly plan how to die - and I'm scared of what she doesn't fear anymore.
Why is it that I am my worst enemy? isn't the world filled with enough people to throw hatred, pressure, judgement and hurdles at me? why must the person who hurts me the most be me? Shouldn't I be my best friend? My one true source of love and support and confidence? And how does one start the road towards becoming that person? I'm overwhelmed with the yearning to love myself, yet can never truly do so.
Sometimes, I wonder, what sort of monster must I have been in my past life to deserve this? For this is undoubtedly God's judgement...I am cursed.
...yet I think...I will fight. I think I can. For if God wants me dead, I refuse to give in.
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Does mark think any of this stuff he writes is good or is it just a bipolar impulse to talk to the voices in his head all day?
ReplyHey!
Relax, everything can be fixed. We are humans and in many cases we cannot help it.
You don't have to be a hero and feel strong all the time! Just remember that this will pass too and begin working on yourself. Start by eating healthy, sleeping properly and doing things that are good for your body and mentality.
You are not alone :)
Wishing you the best
Reply