What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I opened my computer today to research the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath because I’ve convinced myself that I’m definitely one of them (maybe both?). The good news is that after an exhaustive google search, I couldn’t find a definition of either affliction that seems to fit. I’ll take the W on this one today. But I guess the real problem is that I had to look it up. Shouldn’t people know if they’re crazy? I’m sure that I am in some way – I just wish I could define it and call it out. Maybe if my birth certificate came with a list of all mental illnesses from which I would suffer, that would make me feel better. Validation that I’m not just an emotional, moody, obsessive crazy person. It’s not my fault. I’m just dealing with chemistry that was forged in the womb. Maybe…
I’m 38 years old and to date I’ve been diagnosed with mild anxiety disorder and prescribed a small dosage of Prozac, with the occasional Xanax for more serious bouts. The reason I’ve never been diagnosed any more serious mental illness is because I know the answers to all the questions and I’ve lied for years when asked in order to avoid the diagnoses. Does that make me a sociopath? Psychopath? About five minutes ago I was sure of it. I just don’t know.
I’ve now taken every free online mental illness test I could find and according to most of them I likely suffer from the following, ranked in order of severity:
Bipolar Disorder
Anxiety Disorder
Panic Disorder
Depression
Borderline Personality Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
PTSD
Here is what I know about myself without taking online assessments or seeing a doctor for confirmation: I have incredibly unstable moods and I can go from loving and happy to sad and self-destructive within minutes. I have major trust issues that cause me to obsess over the worst things that could possibly be happening (and certainly are in my mind) with my significant other at any given time when we’re out of contact. I have days when I wake up fresh and ready to take on the world with a good breakfast and long workout, then I have days when I can’t get out of bed and ignore all responsibility because life is awful and overwhelming. When I’m feeling good about myself, I’m outgoing and confident and I love everything about my life. But that’s an extremely rare mood – one that I’ve learned to fake almost to perfection. Most days I wonder why anyone willingly tolerates me or loves me at all. They probably don’t and it’s just all an act. But why? Maybe they’re sociopaths or psychopaths too!
Yesterday was a bad day. Sundays usually are. My chest was tight all day and I couldn’t settle my mind. I had feelings of anxiety and depression all at once. I was angry over things that typically wouldn’t be an issue. I was offended by things that had nothing to do with me. I felt neglected and unloved. I was sure that my boyfriend didn’t care about me at all. I went to bed convinced that we should break up before his business trip this week since he would likely cheat on me while he’s gone anyway. And why wouldn’t he? I’m crazy and emotional and hard to handle and probably even harder to love.
I woke up today still feeling the effects of an incredibly moody and emotional Sunday. However, I collected my thoughts enough to know that breaking up wasn’t the right answer for today. I’m self-aware enough to recognize when I’m being controlled by unreasonable thoughts and emotions. But that doesn’t make the thoughts and emotions any less debilitating. It hurts and the pain is near constant. The more I try to control or hide them, the harder it is for me to get through the days. The alternative is to openly talk about them and be honest with the people who love me (if that’s even a thing) and risk losing the relationships that keep me on the right side of sanity. So, I maintain this weird balance and it’s killing me. It’s time for me to do something about the chemicals in my brain that make me feel so inadequate. I have to stop hating myself. I have to stop thinking I don’t matter to anyone. I have to let go of my need for attention and companionship in order to feel good about myself. And I guess the first step to all of this is admitting that I’m terrified but that I know I have problems that have to be addressed or I’ll continue in a downward spiral.
I’ll end this by listing just a few things about myself that I think are admirable and maybe even lovable:
- When I love someone, I love unconditionally and without limits or reservations.
- I’m thoughtful and enjoy doing for others as much as possible.
- And I’m stuck... maybe I’ll think of more later as I continue on this writing journey. Like I mentioned, I’m still in a funky mood today.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My Timed Entry
I have a headache. It’s painful and itchy, and it’s driving me mad. I want it go away, to leave and never return but it’s all I know now. Since that ten-...
-
Anorexia recovery
So, I was diagnosed with anorexia. I still cannot believe it even though I have been forced into weekely hospital appointments for two months now. My weight was...
The thing is all you'll be doing is guessing until you speak to a professional about this. I know it may seem like something that can be figured out, but when you actually speak with someone who has trained and studied in this field you might be surprised at how much time they can save you.
Have you thought about going to see a therapist/counselor? It's very common nowadays, they can help you to get unstuck.
ReplyDo you lack empathy and remorse?
Do you feel for people when they express how they feel hurt? Do you feel guilt when you do something wrong?
Reply