What are you looking for?
6 months ago · · Thoughts, · Explicit
Mentally ill person here... I am 21 and have lived in misery since I was, I guess, 13. I have very low self-esteem issues. I just came to the realization that I have been manipulated by a family member for all those years. Even though I now realize that, I still see myself as worthless and stupid and idiotic. I started becoming extremely isolated in high school and I dropped out. I forgot to mention that I have parents who struggle with drug and alcohol addiction. The parent void was never actually filled. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD, but I'm pretty sure that I have it because I daydream all day long and have trouble concentrating. I have ear problems because I have listened to music at very high volumes for years. I have never been in a serious relationship before. I want it just like everyone else does, but unfortunately, it just hasn't happened yet. I also have never had sex even though I want that, too. I want it badly. I just don't want either of those things without someone who truly respects me and wants to commit to me. I just quit my job because I couldn't handle one of my clients, I need more hours to make more money, and I planned to start an online retail business that has turned out to be unsuccessful so far. I don't regret it because at-least I had a plan and stuck to it even though they just didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. Well, um, I have two friends that I actually made on my own instead of, you know, that "family friend" that just turned out to be your friend because they were always around? One moved off to college and I don't feel satisfied with our friendship because she seems like she's just too busy for me. She came to town for Winter break and I didn't even know. Another friend lives many miles away and I have only known her for a short time. She loves to drive. Does she visit me to see me or because she just loves to drive? IDRK... But I am thankful for her time. It's Saturday night and I am just sitting here at my apartment. I'm trying to find a new job, but I have had enough people treat me like shit to fear that I'm going into any job with shitty coworkers or customers. I don't even think I'm smart enough to be a cashier. What else? Hhmm... The blinkers on my car are unpredictable so I can't even fucking go out of town without expecting them to fucking turn off. My tank is nearly on E. Uummm... Oh, yeah, I fell in love with a guy on a chat site whose username was "Sadist". I put on this whole front because I didn't want people on the chat site to know what I'm really like. He had me thinking he loved me because he sent me a meme that read, "When she's crazy, but you love her anyway." This guy doesn't show affection so when he did that, I felt like I hit the jackpot. I invested 95% of my time into that chat site for almost 4 years until it got shut down. I don't know if it will be brought back up or not. I was wrong to make this guy think I was someone else... Not that I catfished him, but I acted like a totally different person. I acted with all the pain I feel and I turned it into exhaustion. I don't really understand how he truly felt about me. Our whole relationship was pretty unstable. One day, I asked him if he was talking to someone else. He told me yes and that he was moving in with her... I asked him if he loved her and he told me he didn't know. I just felt my heart break, but I didn't let him know that. I guess a lot of it was my fault. I wonder if he ever would have told me. One day, I texted him that I love him. I never got a response and he ignored me for over a year. I sent him letters and called him... and still no response. One day, he showed up on the chat site... and he messaged me, and it was about sex. He wanted me to be sexual with him. He showed up a few more times and tried to chat with me, as though all the feelings I had for him meant nothing at all. He rated my pussy a 6.5 on the image scale. He told me if I had a "body like that" (like that person in the porn GIF), I would receive that kind of affection. But still, after all those years, from the first time I met him when I was 17, I can't shake these feelings or close the wounds. I started finding out that he was sending pictures of his dick to all kinds of people. Sure, that's something I would have done, but I always saw him as someone who had so much integrity and would hardly betray it. I would get bullied on that chat site. He would sext the people who bullied me. And then he would be friendly towards me, as though all of that never could have hurt me. I go in circles with these thoughts, and I let my heart bleed out because I don't know how not to. I never even thought that he was perfect, but I did love him and I hate that I still do. I hate that I hate that I still do. I hate knowing we'll never ever be again. I hate knowing it all went falling into pieces. I honestly hate my life. I'm going to sign up for therapy next Friday. I hope I don't get treated like shit... because obviously, I am shit. I learned that the first time I went. I always think this will save me. This will clear my mind. This will make me a better person. I will love life and I will love every bit of it. But I read online about everyone's experience and they still seem like the same crumbling person... With no joy, and no charisma. The only thing that ever comforts me is the thought of hanging myself, and just feeling my breath leave me. I love the thought of putting a gun to the back of my head, at just the right spot, and leaving with such an exit. That all of this negative, painful, dark energy I carry throughout me will all trickle out slowly into something more beautiful. But I stay. I stay for the ones who I love the most. I stay for the ones who I would die for, even if they have hurt me. No, that's not the whole story, but I have not the energy or the confidence or the surety to tell it all. Fuck humanity.