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My best friend of almost four years and I. We are so close, the closest I've ever been with someone, in an amicable/platonic relationship. I tell her everything. Dark stuff. Light stuff. Everything. It's almost always been like that.
She lives in a different country to myself, but I visited her months ago.
I was the most happy I'd been in a long time, especially since things had been a bit emotionally unstable since I broke up with my girlfriend (whom I still love(d). But, anywho, I was having the time of life in my favourite city.
I was out with her and her boyfriend (whom is awesome by every sense of the word, I like him as a person and her bf very much), all was beautiful and then suddenly, I hit a really low mood.
Severely low. Not the worst, but, it was such a plummet from how happy I was in our outing.
She'd been asking if I was okay for hours, but when I get low, I isolate. I was trying to do that with them.
She asked me what was wrong, if she did anything, but of course she didn't. I tried convincing her that she did nothing wrong but she didn't believe me.
I'm not good at communicating my feelings with speech, only written, but I thought I'd be better in the morning. Come morning, it didn't go away.
I was still non-verbal. Her and her boyfriend were worried for me, and she was blaming herself for my mood swing.
I didn't even do enough to reassure or communicate with her.
They eventually had to go to uni, so I decided to go back to my dad via the trains, so at the train station, we parted.
She told me, "if you want to go out later before you leave the country, text me, okay?"
I said okay as I hugged her and her boyfriend goodbye.
I didn't look back. I turned around and tried so hard to hold back my tears as we went seperate directions.
Immediate regret, but not enough to turn back around.
I took two trains and a bus to meet my dad. He was surprised to see me back so soon.
The amount of shame, guilt and anger I harboured for leaving like that haunted me the rest of the day, and I spent all of it ruminating to the point where I didn't even message her to go out and try make amends.
I left for my plane the next morning.
I haven't seen her since.
I still carry this pain with me. Everyday. The pain is still the same, months later, despite how many times she said it was okay.
I'd never had suicidal thoughts before this happening, but the whole situation hurt me that deeply.
They became quite prominent—I started planning the time frame in which I would do it, convinced my best friend wouldn't be too affected, and that everyone else would get over me. Life just wasn't getting better.
I still isolate sometimes, which is why we don't message as much. Since then, we haven't messaged everyday like we used to. We used to have full conversations everyday via text, but now I'm lucky to get a "good morning" and I feel that's my fault entirely.
After her birthday, I pledged to try and start conversations like we used to, but she's always now too busy for me. She replies late always, or doesn't seem very interested in what I'm saying.
I was very insecure before if I annoy people during our conversations, so receiving this from my best friend, who had always made time for me everyday once before. It hurts. So much.
And it's my fault.
That one mood swings at a bad time caused this massive plummet of my mental health, it was never so low before. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
I tried, but it's pointless.
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I used to be like that back when I regretted not doing anything to confess to my old crush... When I finally got ahold of him via social media and I was the happiest I'd been in a long time, but then he stopped talking to me because I said something I knew I would regret saying. I got really worried when he didn't respond back after a while and I thought it was because he was a annoyed because maybe I talked too much, or he was busy, or teasing me. But then the days went by and he never answered even though I sent a hello message to him no more than once in a day. Then I didn't say anything for a few days and he never responded. Suddenly it hit me and I realized he didn't want to be my friend anymore. (I got over it however, thankfully.) That's probably not the case with you though. She's probably just really busy. Or she might be worried she hurt you and might be scared to hurt you again, since you guys were best friends.
Just keep trying and don't be afraid. I know how hard it must be for you to communicate your feelings when you get down in the dumps, but you need to try and break down the isolation barrier even just a little because sometimes a little can be enough. If it's not then try a little more. (I have a little brother who's like this as well and we're trying to help him break down the barrier he puts up when he's upset.)
I'm not a professional but just tell her how you feel. Friends are there to confide in. Maybe put a lot of thinking into how to convert your feelings into the right words. If it's still difficult try and look into your own feelings.
I don't know if this helps or not, but I hope it does. Also if you are still feeling depressed consider talking to a professional since they are better equipped to offer help to you. If you don't feel like doing that maybe consider talking to a family member if you trust them enough. Emotional support from someone who wants to help (sometimes anyone who does), can really help your mental health. It's better to get it from someone face to face. Hope this helps.
ReplyI'm sorry that I'm responding to this so late, I'd been logged out for some time, but thank you so much for your very kind comment, I really appreciate that so much.
I'm really sorry about your crush... I know and understand how much that can hurt. I'm grateful that you feel a lot better about it now.
Luckily, my best friend reached out to me recently and we're reconnecting again and I feel a lot lighter now, thank god, but my emotions fluctuate a lot in a day and I often don't know the reasons for that, but I'm working on it.
I've been trying to get professional help for a year, but I was finally invited to a depression and anxiety group that I will be attending.
I hope things go well at your end!
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