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I have so much emotions and thoughts running through my head..and I have thousands of words rushing through I can’t wait to jot it all down.
For a long long time, finally I found a perfect place to express it all down. I didn’t share with anyone I knew because I was afraid of being judged.
There were moments where my mind would tell me “Stop it all and let it go. Let go of everything else and pursue your dream.” Sounds selfish isn’t it? Chasing after one’s dream, is a selfish journey and desire. You sacrifice things...you pay a high price in return to get to where you want to be.
Everyday I’m battling demons within me..the voices in my head. Part of me struggled to break free and another part of me resisted.
1. I have a strong desire in me to let go of everything I am attached to, to reach the goal I wanted- but this goal is a selfish goal.
2. My dream is to have some ‘me time’. I wanted to go out there to contribute to the community, be part of it, build something on my own, learn to love myself, grow emotionally and be physically well. I wanted to go places I’ve never been able to reach to, on my own. I wanted to do something I’ve never been able to , on my own. I wanted to bond and connect with people, on my own.
3. For 8 years straight, I’ve always been in a relationship, without rest. People come and go, but very quickly I was back into a relationship. And recently, I felt more and more suffocating..as I looked back, I realized I’ve always focused too much on someone else but not me, myself. And I felt those years was wasted. I could have contributed more, done more as a teenager, as a young adolescent.
4. The unrest and unhappiness grew in me. How selfish I am to feel this way at this point of my life, when I am in a 2 years committed relationship with a good loving man. Bought a house, not engaged yet.
5. Whenever I feel this way...whenever those dark thoughts come to haunt me, another part of me scolded myself for being so selfish and foolish.
There is too much at stake, I told myself. If I choose to be selfish and let go, I would hurt him, my family and his family.
How selfish can I be? What do I need exactly? How can I eliminate these unhappiness...these desires?
There’s so so much emotions, thoughts and feelings that I am surpressing every single moment, every day. Sometimes those voices drive me crazy. Sometimes I just wish I can just burst out and break down. I always hoped I could tell someone. Just one person.
What should I do?
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