Looks won't make you happy

Hello.

I've written a few times on this site and it's really been helpful to see that others are going through the same things that I am. I have recently been given time to truly contemplate my life and my mentality over this spring break and I've come upon this realization: Your looks will not make you happy. You must have heard that over a thousand times by now but as someone who always thought that was a load of bull, I've come to realize that it is true. No matter how much weight you lose or how much you change your appearance, you cannot be happy with said things if you are not happy with yourself first. I for one have always been struggling with insecurity on my looks and my weight. I was always one of those heavier kids and although I never reached morbid obesity, I was well capable of getting there. After years of trying and failing to lose weight previously, I completely gave up, ending up in gaining almost 35 pounds in one year. After that point, I thought it was over. I convinced myself that it wasn't worth trying any longer. One day last December, I hung out with two of my closest friends and that had to be the lowest I have ever thought of myself. The hatred that I had for myself and my appearance was immeasurable. I could not even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to repeat my past bulimic tendencies. I decided to finally do something about my weight. I worked out every day consistently for the entire month of January and have maintained to work out four times a week ever since. I cut out most foods that I loved and even after losing a ton of weight, I still can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling that I must be thinner. I've been so obsessed with the idea of losing weight and pushing myself more and more rather than seeing the immense progress that I have made in such a short time. That is when I realized that it isn't my weight that is the problem, it's my view of myself. I finally recognize that if I don't love myself for who I am then I will NEVER love myself regardless of how much weight I lose. Obviously, I want to lose weight for health purposes and I still have a long way to go, but I mainly wanted to lose weight so that I could look people in the eye and be confident with who I was. Even now, being much more confident, I am still not happy. I still hate myself at times. I still cry at night when I miss one day of exercise because I deem myself a failure and convince myself that I am a wreck for taking a break. I still have a long way to go when it comes to self-love but PLEASE take this one message from me: Happiness does not come from appearance people, it starts with the love of who you are unapologetically and confidently. Do not ever let others bring you down and keep working on yourself, mentally AND physically.