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My reality is what I fear most. The thoughts are overwhelming. The reality is I love to hard. The reality is that I care so much and sometimes it comes out wrong. I am so frustrated. I have worked so hard. I was prepared for this. Yet you snuck up on me again. You slivered your way through the small crack in my heart. My reality is that no matter how much preparation I had you would still win. As I watch you rip those who I love apart, I say to myself this won't happen again. We will prepare better next time. We will recognize the signs. My reality is knowing that my loved one cannot cope with this alone. My reality is I cannot make someone seek services. My reality is that I can only try to help them understand that maybe talking to someone would help. My reality is the anger, the hateful words, and the pain in their eyes. My reality is feeling so helpless and useless this time of year. My reality is that I love you and that I will stay because you need me. My reality is that I feel selfish and guilty for wanting you to feel better. My reality is watching my child grow up witnessing your pain. My reality is feeling like a horrible mom. My reality is not being able to take your pain away.
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If you have a child, you must focus on them first and keep them safe - from mental or physical anguish. If a person has issues, mental or self-inflicted there is NOTHING more you can do than offer support WHEN they are open to it. You cannot allow yourself to be taken down with them BECAUSE you are a parent of a child growing who needs stability, love and support more than any grown adult. A child can grow to be a wonderful person with one parent who is healthy minded and would be better off in their own growth for it versus allowing them to be in an environment that will deflate and hinder them personally. Everything your focused on seems to be based on the other parent - and I’m not sure the extent of your situation - if you’re spouse is mentally ill or in need of professional help it sounds like - but your focus as the only healthy-minded parent needs to be on the safety and healthy raising of the child or you’ll end up with 2 adults that need your help in the future. Get your spouse help if they’ll take it, if not cut ties as you can and is feasible for your situation - financially, mentally or however - for the sake of the child. As a parent you’re duty is to the child first, and raising a healthy, well-adjusted future grownup and of the other parent is defeating this, then you have to know when to move on for your own sake and your child’s. I feel so bad for you because I can tell you’re intelligent, write beautifully and want the best for everyone- but there is NO guilt in looking after an innocent child first and in my optimistic opinion of you focus on the child, and focus less on trying to save this other person, the cards will fall into place for a better future I promise
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