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Here I'm lying, after just having completed my last written exam. It's over. And I did well, I always do. I'm not lying when I'm telling you that I am on top of my class. There is nobody I know who has better grades then me. I know everything, my feeble hubris wants me to believe sometimes. It can truly become exhausting to tell myself over and over again that I'm not the smartest person on this planet. I'm going to have a perfect future. Universities have sent me offers and asked me to join them - it would be their honor to have me.
I'm often seen smiling, laughing in the arms of my friends, sharing crazy stories of the thrilling life I'm leading. Nobody has ever seen me cry. Why should I cry, my life is perfect, there is no need to cry. Never.
Here I'm lying, the bitter taste of the pills I have just swallowed still fresh on my tongue. I hate admitting it, I hate it so much, but in the end, I am weak. Addicted to cigarettes and adrenaline and dopamine rushes and whatnot.
Here I'm lying, broken, but the only person who knows is you. The only one who knows that I'm not fine after all. I'm smiling all day. You're so calm, people tell me. So relaxed. I wish I could be more like you.
Sure, be like me. If you knew what it felt like to be me, if you knew what it felt like to receive your pretty perfect grades and live your perfect active social life and be your helpless dancing laughing fool, feeling nothing but stone-cold emptiness, you'd want to take those pills too.
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But you got so much to look forward to in the future. You can finally be you. Maybe paint or something.
ReplyEven if you have an amazing life, you can be sad. I feel that.
ReplyThis feeling of emptiness is one of the worst feelings ever... At times you get sad when you yourself don't know why and that why just messes with your mind... But you are so much stronger and smarter and more beautiful than you think you are and there will surely be a day when you are gonna love yourself f for who you are and one day you yourself will throw those pills out... This day may or maynot arrive soon but it will... Love you and you deserve real happiness like everyvodg
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