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Hey!
I'm still here as you see.
Putting a date didn't work. I attempted but..
Life is a tricky little bastard to give up on. I guess I don't like this whole uncertainty about the situation. Or simply I was afraid. Both makes sense I guess. But I know I'm tired and I'm not safe yet.
Thoughts of suicide wanders slowly, like an enemy invading my brain from the inside, day by day. I know I can't do it just yet but when I try to think something about future it always comes to the same picture. I experienced enough to know everything starts with these little thoughts which seems innocent at first.
I know I'm tired. I know I already gave up but give myself a little more time to adjust myself completely until it won't feel too scary. No one knows, or everyone is aware but they think nothing will happen if we all play the same silence game.
One day, one way or another, I will leave this place. I don't know who will be truly upset or who will put on a good show to act like they haven't noticed anything and if they did, they would do something for me after it is too late for me. Anyways, it's already too late for me.
I tried to hold on, believe me, and I know there are lots of people here who survived through this for which I'm quite glad.. But we are all different you know. Some of us are not resilient enough maybe. Or too broken to be fixed again. Or just enough hurt to lose their faith in themselves..
I don't know where time will lead me, I just want to see the people who tried to help me on the way and try to be there for them one more time. And I wanna leave letters behind me even though I know some of them won't understand why it happened.
I always wanted to reach to the stars.. Maybe I can do that on the other side..
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
I am sorry that you feel like that. I know how hard it is, because I have been there as well.
Sometimes I still am. Already tried to do it twice, and last time it was only an accident that stopped it from happening.
Do you know what makes you feel the way you do?
ReplyFirstly, I'm sorry that you've been in this dark place like me. And thank you for being supportive :)
As an answer to your question, maybe I would've had a certain answer a few years ago, but now everything is too complicated and feels so distant from me. Like I will never get there you know, to the point of solving whatever the hell is going on in my head. I am just tired of trying and as you said sometimes I let go and then I am still there.. Thanks anyway..
ReplyI know this.. it took me years. For a really long time I just thought that I am like this, that there is nothing to be solved, I am simply unable to feel any joy.
I tend to stagnate between okay and really bad. I don't know if it's similar for you, but what helped me was trying to remember the thoughts I had whenever my feelings changed from okay to bad. I didn't get an answer for long, but after a while I got closer and closer, and now, even if I don't know how to solve it, or whether it's even possible at all, but at least I think I understood why do I feel the way I do.
I can't tell you the standard speach about how you shouldn't do it, because from time to time I get really close to doing it as well, so I know how it feels. But even if I can't tell you to not to do it.. ending it all is something permanent, something you can't really turn back from. Once done, it's done. That's why I asked if you know why you feel the way you do. Sure, simply knowing the reason won't solve too much, but knowing the reasons before deciding anything that has unchangable consequences might some peace.
And to me this peace was enough to make things a bit more bearable most of the time.
ReplyYeah I got what you mean. It makes sense and actually I will try to write them down to a paper tomorrow. Maybe it can help me clear my mind a bit and enable to see things from a different perspective like you did. Thanks for the suggestion..
ReplyHow do you feel?
ReplyI stopped feeling actually. I stopped thinking about future or past, about myself and others. I just exist which is quite pathetic.. But thank you for thinking of me and asking how I'm doing. I hope things go a lot better for you..
ReplyI'm glad you decided not to. I was thinking of you.
ReplyStrange to think someone out there actually cares to think.. Thank you.. We'll see how far I can go..
ReplyHey there, I can relate to you. I've been there too, almost did it twice. Do you know what helped me? Actually telling someone what i was doing to myself. I know this may not be possible for you or for everyone, but if it is, you should.
It takes a lot of courage to open up about this, even if anonymously, and the fact that you wrote about it on here shows that a little part of you is still looking for something to hold on to. And if i could i would give you one big hug and all the hope i have in me for you.
I hope you find the right help from the right people and i really hope that life is kinder to you.
Sending you love and only love.
ReplyThank you so much. I understand what you mean. Feeling a little support always helps and that's the reason I write to here. Problem is, I've told people but no one seems to get the importance of the situation. No one goes beyond saying "You gotta let these thoughts go".. They don't even understand this is the most cruel thing a human being has to decide about.. I'm happy you found the right people, again thanks a lot :)
ReplyI'm right there with you, most days are a struggle and the ones that aren't? Well they're the days when I feel nothing at all, just empty.
I thought of ending it often, trying to figure out the "best" way to do it and while fear is I guess what's holding me back at the moment, fear of the unknown, fear of messing it up and maybe a little bit of fear of actually succeeding. At the present I'm trying to take each day as it comes, no expectations and no pressure on myself one way or another.
Maybe some people are beyond help, can't be fixed and maybe I'm one of those people but as hard as things are, every day is another day that I've survived and whilst merely surviving isn't living, perhaps they are the steps needed to start living. I dunno.
Anyway I'm sorry you feel like this, no one should have to feel like this.
But you're not alone, I dont k how who or where you are and you dont know me but somewhere out there in this big old world, there is someone who shares your pain and wishes they had the strength to give some to you.
ReplyThank you so much.. You wrote exactly what I feel inside. About the fear and the thoughts and the emptiness that can be even more annoying than the others some days. I just hope both of us, and everyone else that suffers through these things, will be able to find their own way of healing. Like you said, I stopped expecting and stressing.. I don't want to force myself to do a decision anymore because it doesn't work..
Reply