Depressing thoughts

Ok, I am depressed and hate admitting it to people and am terrified of people knowing I feel the way I do, because when they know, they try to help, but nothing helps. This is just something I have to deal with and figure out. I hate the attention I get from feeling this way, because all I want to do is disappear from the earth with no one worrying. Like, I don't directly try to kill myself, but I am ready to die. I eat very little and exercise a lot. Partially because of an eating disorder, but I really want to die, so it's a win win. I think the more I exhaust myself the sooner I will die which I think about and feel happy. So, I keep neglecting my health so I will die soon. I don't really want to sleep, then I become numb to everything. The only thing I want to embrace is death. Honestly, I don't deserve a hug from anyone else, or their worry or anything. I don't even deserve to breath, I have been breathing for 17 years and that's long enough. So, these are some of my darkest thoughts, things I would never let my family know. It's already bad enough that I think and feel like this, how awful it would be for them to find out, when somehow they can't quite tell i'm off already. I want to let their ignorance about this be bliss. It's the least I could do...Yeah, I am not sorry for being so real here. This is what an unhealthy damaged human being looks like. The worst part is, knowing you are losing it, but basically free falling and unable to stop.