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What is it that we live for? For what reason are we here? These are the questions that have led me to where I am today.
I look back on my younger self as a disappointment for not achieving the things within my grasp. I blame others for this only reason to tell myself its not my fault and to allow my self to continues this loop others call life. I have disappointment for myself, but deep down, I know this is all my fault. The reason why I'm stuck. The reason why I have no friends. The reason I have no money for college. The reason my parents have given up on me. The reason why I hate my past self and why my future self hates me know. I know and understand the place I'm in, but I still do nothing. With each day going past I'm just doing nothing. Not gaining money for school. Not hanging out with the people who I thought were my friends. Not proving to my parents, I have potential.
In elementary, I felt out of place. Even at the young age, I was in I could tell I was already a failure. I was throwing tantrums in class at least three times a week to play games in the counselor's office. I knew I was less than but never faced that sad trust. Instead, I surrounded myself with toys and videogames to pretend it never happened. Things like this are what haunts me till this day late at night.
In high school was the only place I felt grater than others because my grades where above average compared to most kids. I would think of myself so highly just for achieving a simple b on a test. That's all I cared about was being better than others in the now rather than the future. This is how I fell so far behind so fast.
As soon as graduation came, I had nobody to compare my self too, so I felt lonely. All of those class periods feeling like the smart kid was all for nothing because I didn't have a plan. While all of the other kids went to college on full sports scholarships, I was left with nothing but loneliness and my Xbox. Video games was the only other place I could go to feel as if I was better than others.
Back then, I didn't have a plan, and now I still don't have one. I don't know where my life is headed, but I can feel the emptiness soon to come in the future. My family will first abandon me for the lack of drive I've had throughout my life and then ill be alone. Nobody to turn to. Nobody to blame. Just a deeper hole that I've been digging my entire life. Maybe I have mental issues, or I'm just lazy and stupid. Either way, I can feel the emptiness coming. Just me being alone.
I don't want pity for myself. I don't want anything. I want to be alone with nothing to bother me or pressure me. Is that a sad thing to want?
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