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depression and eating disorders. i don't recognise myself. my dreams are falling apart right in front of my eyes and i can't do anything about it
5 years ago · 1 · Eating Disorder, +14 · Explicit
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so i don't know what to do apart from write to strangers, i hope some people see this because i need to not feel alone. today i climbed onto my roof and cried and cried, i didn't have a knife or a pin so i tried to cut my ankles with a sharp twig that was on my roof. it barely did anything but my ankles were stinging after, i wanted to spell out i deserve to die.
i feel like my entire life is harming myself in various ways not just your typical self harm, then hating myself and then feeling sorry for myself like a little bitch. i have a depression and various eating disorders that are ruining my life and ruining myself and ruining my family. i feel like i don't even know who i am , i love my family, but i am constantly fighting with them and i want to run away and not be with them anymore. i started to restrict my eating when i was 14 it worked really well then even though it was hard and i had intense food and body anxiety it wasn't too bad because it actually worked i got super skinny, and i was already pretty slim, just more muscular. and i did modelling too so perfect! looking back on it it's crazy to think that my mum wanted me to eat because all she wants now is for me not to eat. and then i slowly let go of the obsessive and restrictive behaviors and then obviously gained weight, wasn't as big of a deal at the time. but over the past 2-3 years the weight continued to gain and then obviously i become a bigger build, and then i had a traumatic experience and was away from home and binged ate for about 2 months and gained about 11 kilos or so idk, was the biggest i've ever been, felt like shit, looked so bad, looked so fat. it was terrible. when i was away i was so depressed, cried all the time, my only coping mechanism was food, but at the same time it was a form of self harm because of the volume i was eating. i would feel so bad about my self, but it was the only way i'd get through the day. when i came home i was fat and depressed and i didn't want to leave my house, so it didn't leave my house for at least a month, minimum and then i was forced to go to school after skipping the first week. during this time i was eating 500 calories a day in order to loose the weight, but it took me about 3 months to loose 16 kilos or something like that, it was hard as fuck, eating practically nothing, working out. i didn't socialise at all, i would be starving at school during lunch time so i would go to library alone so i didn't have to be around my friends eating, i had no energy for anything. now fast forward towards the end of the year and im fat again, not as fat as i was, probably about 8 kilos less than the start of the year fatness but i've also gained 8 kilos which is pretty fucking shit, i feel shit about my self. and it's all because of binge eating. i don't want to socialise again, i have no self esteem i pick myself apart. i always yo-yo diet, binge, restrict, binge, restrict. idk if its called non purge builima or not idk who cares no matter what category it falls under it sucks ass. ive got a beach holiday coming up with my friends in 2 weeks and i dont want to go because of my fattness, ive run away from my parents when they get angry at me about it. and i could probably somewhat deal with all of these things. but! its ruining my dreams, my dreams are falling apart in front of me. i don't have an identity anymore because obviously if you are fat you can't be a model. and that's my dream, it's what i want to be, it's what my parents are proud of me for, it's what people know me as, it's the only thing i'm good at and i'm losing it and i dont want to idk what to do . because i have tried so hard to kick the binge eating but it never does. im so depressed, i've let everyone down. i hate myself. i hate my life. if my younger self saw me now she wouldn't recognize me, she would be so disappointed
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hello!
i think that visiting a doctor will help you very much. A friend of mine had the same problem and after visiting a professional she found herself again.
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