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To say that I hate myself, is an understatement. It’s been over a year and I still feel so hurt, betrayed, & worthless. How does someone look into your eyes, every single day for two years, and just lie ? How does someone not feel any remorse or guilt ? How does someone contain a poker face for two years?
I had been beating myself up about this for two years with no real answers. Just a solid gut feeling. I knew I was being lied to. I could feel it in my bones. There were multiple times that I would try to convince myself that I was in fact crazy. That i was wrong. That there was noooo way in the world that MY best friend, my absolute everything, would lie to me? The unfortunate reality is that, no ones perfect. I held this person up, with high expectations and standards. I’ve spend 730 days with this person, believing their word and thinking I knew them and their character. But I was completely wrong. I still don’t understand what I truly did to deserve any of this. I continue to beg God for answers. To tell my exactly what I had done to deserve any of this...in order to justify his lies. A whole year later & I’m still trying to figure it out.
As time goes on, I can feel myself changing. Something inside me has changed. I’ve grown to be insecure, more anxious, and more bitter. Things that I’ve never been. I can’t even begin to count all the anxiety attacks that I’ve had because of all the built up pain. But it’s been a whole year? Why haven’t I gotten over this ? Why does it still bother me so much? Why does each lie continue to play in my mind...over & over & over again. Why do I still feel like he’s wasn’t being completely honest with me ?
To say that I actually married this person who has hurt me in many way....it almost makes me cry just thinking about it. I’ve cried myself to sleep too many times over this man.
I’ve been yelled at, belittled, & humiliated at a bar in public. I’ve been pushed, chocked, and dragged from a bed onto the tile floor. I’ve broken down in the shower, on our honeymoon, as I looked at the massive bruise on the back of my leg from being pulled by my legs onto the ground. Wondering if anyone who was at the pool was able to see it. What crossed their mind? What did they think when they’d see me act like it wasn’t there.
All of this caused by the same person who claims they “love me”.
I’ve completely lost myself. I’ve lost my damn mind. And yet, here I am. Having to push all the hurt away each day in order to continue this “marriage”. God if only the old me could see me now, she’d be deeply disappointed. I’ve officially become one of those woman who I’ve criticized for years. Those woman who can’t leave men who treat mistreat them, emotionally & physically.
I sleep next to the man who’s crushed my soul & changed me in a way I never wanted to. I should have seen the signs, the red flags. From the beginning, I knew that I wasn’t for him and he wasn’t for me. And yet I continued to stay with him. Maybe I’m toxic to myself. Maybe I’m the issue and not him.
There’s been countless thoughts of revenge. How can I get him back? How can I make him feel the pain that I’ve felt for over a year now ? How can I make myself feel better by hurting him?
I’ve found zero solutions. I just continue to take it as it is now. Continue to feel isolated, betrayed, angry, and sad.
I know that one day I’ll explode. I’ll leave and never look back. I can’t wait until I gain the courage to do so. I want better for myself. I want to be happy again.
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I just want to start off by saying that I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that. This relationship deprives you of basic human rights. I wish I could tell you that it's going to work out, but I honestly don't see how. It is not okay to abuse someone. Physically and/or mentally, that pain is something that can never be forgotten. There is nothing wrong with you. People are often blinded by love, not realizing that they are digging their way into a hell unlike anything else. You deserve to be happy. You never hurt him. He is toxic onto himself. I hope you get through this and I know that you are strong for even putting your story out here. You will survive this.
Sending you love,
Rae
ReplyThank you for taking the time to read my post. & for responding so kindly. It’s hard being vulnerable and sharing one’s deep true feelings. Some days it’s like nothing’s wrong. Like I’ve put everything behind me. And other days, I’m flooded by these horrible memories. I know I will get through it. You’re an angel.
ReplyYou're the angel! I'm so glad that you haven't given up hope. Keep fighting! ❤
ReplyTo anyone who’s taken the time to read this.
Thank you.
Reply