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Being a teen is scary, but I don’t thing my fear specifically is normal or ok.
4 years ago · 1 · paranoia, +6
742
Worst part of being a teen is relying on my parents.
Especially because I am old enough to know what would realistically happen if they stopped buying me food, clothing, a place to sleep, ect. Pretty much my entire future relies on them remembering to provide for me where I can’t provide for myself. It’s scary knowing that they could just stop doing that whenever they want to. And if I’m not prepared for that, it could completely ruin my future. And I’m not very prepared because I’m only a teenager and barely have a job and have 0 notoriety in the community I live in, and chances are if I was dropped on my butt at any moment my future would be completely destroyed.
So I don’t tell my parents anything about me or what I like or that I’m not straight or I’m trans or whatever, because what if they don’t like it? What if they decide I’m not worth the price of keeping me around anymore? So I have to stick it out until after college, keeping all this “Me Stuff” in my head and being what I think they would like me to be most until I have my own home and job and I don’t have to rely on someone else to keep me alive.
And sometimes they become disappointed, or just sigh and shake their head, and I wonder if whatever I did wrong, if I did anything wrong, was the final straw before they decide to stop being a parent to me.
I’m afraid that being this way, keeping personal emotional information about my identity and wellbeing to myself, is damaging me long-term, but I’m also too paranoid over what they could do to me or my future to change my reclusive behavior. I’ve been afraid of this since 5th grade to my current last year of high school. For the same amount of time, I’ve been writing and rewriting my plan to tell my parents all about me and who I am once I’m free of their direct influence. I feel like I’ll only be safe if I’m 6 states away, providing my own income and not relying on them in any way before I’ll be able to even begin to tell them what I’ve been keeping to myself for nearly half of my life. I’m afraid they won’t believe me, or will reject me completely, or will ask to speak to me in person about any of the things I share with them. When I even think of it, my anxiety skyrockets. Once in middle school, my father found out about my interest in Warrior Cats and Percy Jackson through my internet search history (I was trying to figure out what order to read the books in before going to the school library to get them), and pulled me aside that night to ask me about it. For some reason I felt lightheaded, sitting on the floor before I had the chance to fall over. I couldn’t see for a minute or so, seeing black and then spots. I was deathly afraid of him knowing about my interests, and still am, and I don’t know why. I thought I was going to actually faint. I know this isn’t normal and I don’t remember what could have possibly inspired this fear in me. I’ve been trying to help myself get to ‘normalcy’ since I realized I was behaving this way, but obviously I haven’t been able to change. I can’t see a therapist or get long term help right now for obvious reasons. I actually found this website while I was having a really bad time trying to internalize all this stuff I really want to tell people, but couldn’t because of this paranoia. Somehow being anonymous makes it easier to talk about it.
I truly and genuinely love my parents, and I know they love me, but my paranoia and anxiety far outweighs their affirmations of love and support. Because it could all disappear in a moment, I just need to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or be the wrong thing just once. I don’t want to lose them.
I know this is getting to be ridiculously long and this is a really odd thing but thank you for reading it all the way through. This is the first time in almost 7 years that I’ve even remotely told anyone about this, and I think this is a good step in the right direction to reshape whatever is wrong with me back to how it’s supposed to be. Again, thank you (and Novni) for providing an anonymous platform for me to talk about this on. Advice for how to move forward would be appreciated. Thank you. :’)
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I don't have any advice, but I do have empathy.
You have somehow put my exact thoughts into words. I feel how you feel on a personal level. The things I keep to myself I don't ever want to share. I don't want to disappoint. But the longer they're in my head the louder they get.
Luckily for me I found someone who wants to hear all of it. They keep me sane. But sadly due to my paranoia and anxiety of scaring them away or making them overly worried about me keeps some stuff inside. I'll tell her one day. Once I found out how to say it right. But I know it will be a long time.
We'll get through this. We're used to it by now right?
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