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Last night my 6 year old son told me I’d be prettier if I lost weight. I tried not to let him see how much that hurt me, and told him that having a big tummy didn’t make me ugly, and he very calmly told me he knew that, but if I didn’t have a big tummy I’d be even more beautiful.
I know I shouldn’t let this affect me so much, but damnit, I’ve spent so many years trying to get over the mental abuse I’ve suffered since I was 10 years old, and I honestly thought I was getting a grip on it and had accepted myself as I am… rolls and all… but obviously I was just kidding myself.
Logically I know that being thin doesn’t make someone beautiful, but my entire childhood was a smorgasbord of insults and disappointed parents and disgust from peers… the mental abuse cut so deep that my entire life has been shaped by the fact that I’m overweight. In my mind, doors are closed to me that aren’t to skinnier, prettier girls. In my mind I didn’t get that promotion because of how I look rather than because someone else was better suited to the position. In my mind I can never admit to that crush that I have because people would pity me for thinking there’d ever be a chance, even though I know there wouldn’t be. And if someone does seem like they’re into me I’m always positive that it’s just because they think I’m an easy lay because fat girls will do crazy things in bed because they’re so grateful for the attention… or so I was told anyway.
Being fat has been part of my life forever, and it’s shaped everything around and in me. I use it as a defense mechanism and I use it to self sabotage anything good in the pretense that I’m just circumventing the inevitable and protecting myself. I’ve tried diets before but they never work or last and I think now that I don’t really want to lose weight because I wouldn’t know how to be skinny. I wouldn’t know how to deal with life like that. So I complain and say that no diet works and why should I give up sugar to conform to society’s expectation of what a woman should look like… but it’s all a sham and I know it…
I don’t know how to change my thinking. I’ve tried the fake it till you make it. I’ve tried confronting my fears and I’ve tried just believing that everything will be okay. I thought it had worked and that I was single because I love myself and deserve the best and not because I’ve closed myself off from any posibility from getting my heart broken again. I thought I had accepted myself and my body and told myself that I was a Goddess… all up until I lashed out at a 6 year old who doesn’t understand why mommy is angry and sad.
I wish I had a better way to finish off this post… but I don’t. I guess all I can do is try again. Try and accept myself even though I have no idea how to do that. Try and be confident and cheery and not let the little things get me down even when they cripple me and all I want to do is run away and hide in a cave. Try and try again.
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My daughter has said something similar to me and it crushed me. I understand and it sucks to feel stuck in a body you didn't ask for.
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