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It’s 5:26 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I woke up hot and sweaty bc I’m panicking. My anxiety is so bad now that all I want is peace. At this point, I feel like the only way peace can be found is through death. I literally cannot do anything without anxiety taking over. I feel like I’m kinda trapped. Nothing I do is right. I can just talk to someone and boom 15 minutes later I’m panicking because “why’d I talk like that” or “I sounded stupid” or “I talked too little” or “I talked too much”. It’s like nothing in this life is fulfilling to me. If I had a gun right now I’d shoot myself in the head and pray that I’d die. All I think about each day is dying. I think a gunshot to the head is my best option right now. I believe I can actually succeed in dying with this option. I thought about hanging myself but I don’t like choking. I also thought about slitting my wrists but that seems too painful and long. I want something quick and simple. And what’s simpler than sticking a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. I know this may seem extreme, but no one understands how bad my anxiety is. Like I can’t do anything without panicking or stressing. It’s now 5:34 a.m. and I’m only up because my mind has said it’s time to stress and worry about the past again. I just want peace. Peace to me would be going to sleep for a full night and not waking up stressing about anything. Peace to me would be having a conversation with someone and not having my brain manipulate me into thinking I hurt them afterwards. Peace would be forgiving myself and moving on in life. Peace would be not comparing myself to every other girl, because I was once made to feel I was inferior to anyone else and I wasn’t pretty at all. I am sad everyday, I try not to be though. I ruin every good situation because I can’t trust anyone. I loved someone and lost them, because I just couldn’t fathom someone was actually being kind to me without ulterior motives. I am saddened by the person I’ve become. Nervous, on edge, sad, unhappy, anxious, and suicidal. I’m only alive today because I can’t purchase a gun nor do I have access to one. Otherwise, my funeral would’ve been a few weeks ago. I know I should be thinking about “how will my family feel” but I think they’ll be okay, maybe a little happier and maybe a little more peaceful. I know I’m a burden to them all. They might not say it but I know they think it. I’m the kid who needs money or needs something all of the time and I can’t help them because I can’t even help myself. I don’t want my niece to remember me. When I found out my sister was pregnant I started thinking about suicide. I didn’t want to be a disappointment in the kid’s life. I feel like that’s all I am. A walking disappointment. I feel so alone. Even when I’m around people I can’t tell them what’s really wrong. I always say maybe if I forgive myself things will be better. But I highly doubt it. No one understands how I feel. I’ve talked enough. Unless you are in my body you can’t understand the sensation of overwhelming pain everyday. I’m tired, I just wanna sleep like a normal person, but I can’t. Unlike everyone else, my brain chooses not to ever shut off. I get the opportunity to feel every emotion vividly and stress 24/7. I can’t even touch my body because that makes me uncomfortable. Everything makes me uncomfortable. Living makes me uncomfortable. It’s now 5:47 a.m. and I’m still awake. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused anyone. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough. I wish my brain could just shut off sometimes. Especially at this time. It’s now 5:55 a.m. and I just remembered something else. Nothing makes me happy. I mean literally nothing makes me happy. My mind runs a million miles per minute. It’s easy to say “don’t dwell on stuff” but when your brain says “fuck what you want, we’re not forgetting anything”. Then it’s pretty damn hard to live a fulfilling life. I can’t have fun because I’m stressing. I can’t do anything because I know eventually I’ll be waking up another morning at 5:26 a.m. hot and sweaty because I’m stressing. I’ve never been pretty. People are just lying. I’m currently on the toilet because my body said I can’t hold my pee any longer. Sometimes I think maybe I’m bipolar or something bigger. I just wish the screws in my head could be fixed. I don’t want a therapist. Why couldn’t I just be born normal? Not a fucking stressed out and unhappy kid. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but existing is hard for me. People think I should be happy because I have nice things. But those nice things don’t make me truly happy, because my brain says I should be unhappy. It’s now 6:02 a.m. and I’m done using the restroom. I’m going to go back and sit in this dark room. And then at 11 a.m., I’ll put on this fake smile and get through this class. Afterwards I’ll come back to sit in my dark room and allow my brain to control me. That’s my life. An endless cycle of thoughts and emotions. I hate that I’m this way. That’s why I think the best way to solve my issue, is by killing the issue, which is me.
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