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I have been battling with a certain question inside my mind and I am unsure of whether or not what I feel is problematic.
I am a black female in her mid/late 20s.
I have like in a white suburban area for majority of my life. Never truly feeling like I fit in, but always feeling like the butt of someone's joke.
Desperate to never be alone I lower my standards and accepted everyone as a friend. Even though these people i let inside would tear me down. Constantly ripping me a part each time I tried to build an identity for myself.
I wanted to scream, please just let me be me! But who was I then, and who am I now.
At school I would always look at the black table...I wanted to be there but I didn't. The way the talked, and behaved I didn't want to associate myself with them because they were a stereotype I was trying to fight. All the while I was in a one man minstrel show being the entertainment for my white friends. All while staring at the black table wondering what it feels like to be among people who look similar to me.
However even if I went I would have nothing to contribute, but I would gain a sense of togetherness...a family, right? Something I did not receive but was constantly starving for...a place to feel like belong...
I've always wanted black friends, while I have a mixed bag of multi racial/cultural friends. What I crave is a black friend. I know it sounds strange, but I felt I could never have the kind of open minded discussions without having to be overly conscious; whether it be because I may get offended, or I can't speak my true feelings out desire to avoidthen saying something I dont want to here and losing a friend. I just wanted someone to enlighten me with their experiences as I hope to do the same.
I feel I make my current friends uncomfortable with my blackness, or I feel I cant be comfortable in my blackness. Still to this day, even though I have improved there is still a piece of my begging, kicking. Screaming, scratching, crying to be let out.
I am unsure if I am discriminating against anybody, an I truly hope I'm not. Cause I love the current people in my life. It pains me even further because I dont know how to tell this to my best friend. However I know I can't continue on like this...but the question remains the same will having a black friend fill this void building up inside of me? Will finding them give me solace? Is there hope to find what I am looking for in a familiar and similar face?
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I wrote this before I made an account. I am very lost with a heavy heart. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
ReplyI'm nowhere near as troubled as you are about your situation. I'm more troubled with your internal pressuring, which you've put upon yourself to be in a neat box. IT's stressing you out unneccessarily. How much tv do you watch? You know those perfect black relationships on tv are scripted right? This expectation you have about blackness and your need to feel validated in your blackness, is the sole problem. You're problem is internal and over dramatic (you know that right?)
Alas, your feelings prevail..
But you want advice right? So far i've just told you you're problem... You're advice is this;
Disregard the typical/nontypical black person bi-curious life you want to experience (turn off your tv for a while, and appreciate your real life friends and family). You're inwardly craving validation, and you don't have it from your current group (atleast not the extent you want) of friends you have. You desire a close knit community, but you don't get that from your current group of friends. I'm not sure why? I'm sure there's someone in your peer group who isn't a strict, politically correct, or intensely sensitive as you may think. If you believe, truly, that you cannot fully enjoy the time with your friends because you feel they don't understand your "blackness"-
it's a bit superficial. Have you tried reaching out to them? Meaning- be the friend you want them to be, and see how they react. They may surprise you, confess to you, and nourish you in the ways you desire. Personally, i don't think you should let good friendships be hindered by some culture fillings which are not even substantial to your current personality or likes right now (like you said you don't identify with typical American black culture anyway).
Have you tried attending a baptist church?
In all seriousness, they are great social gatherings for the less stereotypical black people. Definitely research church events and communities, in your area. Seriously- churches are becoming more and more racially diverse. If you're looking for someone who is an expert in navigating racial issues and blending harmony- check a church.
ReplyYou won't know until you try it out. You back away from black people, yet you want one black friend to fulfill your life. I doubt one black person would do that. Are you afraid of what your present friends would think or say if you have a black friend? Also if you wanted a black friend you would have one by now. This is something for you to work out and try out. All the best.
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