a message to mom

mom I just hope you know that everything youve ever done for me , that I've been thankful every second of my life and grrateful for everything you've ever done for me. I never once have ever done anything just simply out of spite. I only ever act out of need. if I have a feeling that I NEED to do something I do it. not just cuz I want to or whatever. I do it cause I feel like I need to. like I felt like I needed to give Tyler that vape because he has fucking kids and I don't want him getting sick from cigarettes.. I want my niece and neohews to be able to have a father growing up. cigarettes are expensive and a waste of money. mom I love you .. even if you can't see that. even if you don't want to see that. even if you don't love me or act as if you do all the time. I love you and I am absolutely thankful and grateful for everything you've ever done for me. the only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of you. because a fate without you is a date that I don't want. but now it's like all I am to my family and friends is a giant burden / inconvenience. I am NOT selfish. I barley ever treat myself ( even if I take money from you ) it's HARDLY ever just for me. some friends need help sometimes.. some people I feel the NEED to help. wether it's a homeless kid on the street or a 22 year old my age with a car without gas. I barley ever do anything for myself. I didn't just buy a vape for Tyler for the hell of it. I can't just watch my brother smoke a cigarette wasting money for a few seconds of relaxation when it's taking time away from his life and time away from his kids having a father. I love my brother. even if he doesn't love me. and honestly now it's like God has my back and whatever his plan is ... I trust in God. even if my temporary family acts like I don't exist and only sees me when I do something wrong in to THEIR EYES , he loves me no matter what. my heart belongs to Jesus. and it has been owned by him since I PERSONALLY DECIDED to get BAPTIZED when I was 15. I've always seen koby as a kid to me. I've always wanted to be this " father figure " to koby and give him the life I wish my father gave to me. I know you think that I just spend money for no fucking reason but 75% of the money I've ever had has been for others and not for myself. but because I'm FINALLY spending money on myself on things that I NEED things that bring me HAPPINESS that I really fucking NEED right now my FAMILY including you sees me as SELFISH and UNGRATEFUL. and honestly I don't feel that obligation to spend fate with you anymore. frankly I cant give a fuck now all I fucking do is give to people. and the time I start loving myself the time I start buying things that make ME feel happiness things that DISTRACT me from wing SUICIDAL , EVERYONE INCLUDING YOU AND MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY TURNS ON ME. ( or texts me the one time I decide to call them out for them acting like I don't exist ) there was so many so many days that I've been with koby as he is literally hungry as fuck because his parents didn't have money for food that I would buy him food whenever I got it because I couldn't just fucking sit there and watch my friend starve. and even if he doesn't blow money on me like I did on him. That's fine. because he's happy. he has the one fucking thing I can't seem to grasp. I applaud him and anyone I've ever helped because they deserve happiness. even if my entire fucking world wants to turn on me. or act as if I don't even exist ... fuck it I'm still gonna do what I can to make others happy I know that i took money to WHICH I THOUGHT ID BE ABLE TO PAY BACK 2 DAYS LATER. BUT IT TURNS OUT I AM NOT PERFECT . I THOUGHT WRONG. I MADE MISTAKES I MAKE MISTAKES. I never said I was perfect. not once in my fucking life have those words came out of mouth or fingertips. but for you to think I would personally intentionally make your weight heavier... is crazier than I am. I bought myself a vape that wouldnt break if I ever got mad and threw it like I did the last one. I got a vape because I seem to be addicted to nicotine and I don't want to fucking smoke fiberglass cigarettes and be the way my uncle ( as in uncle Marty ) or brother is I'm sorry for deciding to help myself and for being wrong about how big my paycheck was going to be. but I would never and I mean fucking never would I purposely go out of my way to hurt you. if an organ of yours was failing and you needed one I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. I was so depressed hearing about aunt Katherines liver I had to fight myself for nights to stop myself from texting uncle Wayne that id give her my liver. hearing that she died fucking destroyed me. because I want to die anyway so I could've at least given my liver to someone that wants it honestly the main reason that I didn't is because I was having the ALT problems around the same time and I thought I myself didn't have a good enough liver for aunt Katherine. and for me to get news that I'm healthy was great. but then it dawned on me that I could've done it. I could've given her it and her family would've been so fucking happy and my family yeah would've been hurt for a few weeks but then they would just get over it and then act like I never existed like they always do. I should've given her my liver. I literally want to walk into a hospital and just fucking donate all my organs because i feel that I dont deserve healthy organs according to my family all I am is a fuck up. why does a fuck up deserve good organs? trick question, it doesn't! ( if it was someone else's organs sure but I definitely don't right???) but the point of all of these text messages ( that you'll probably just end up brushing off anyways ) is that I love you and it kills me to extent that you feel this way about me. I'm calling you for you to read these messages ... if you claim you love me read them. if you don't ............. I honestly wouldn't be surprised. you hung up on me just like you did when I had a mouthful of pills in my mouth wanting ONE REASON to not swallow. and even though you didn't give me one... your voice , your presence did. the thought of not spending fate with you ... killed me. but now I'm done. if I got to hell for this , fuck it I'm tired of this. and if anyone reads this.. live your life to make you happy. because in end if someone has to choose happiness or you / they're gonna drop you like a fucking hot potato and ride away on a unicorn farting fucking rainbows.