Stuck in time

I'm 30 about to turn 31. But the weight we bare doesnt think about age nor will it fall off. We are always told that things will get better. But do they ever? Or so we accept the fact that we have to tolerate existence with it. I lost my father at a young age, my sp po use who I was with since I was eighteen and spent ten years with left me. I felt unaccomplished because I only.fpcused on her growth rather than our growth as one. After she left, I didnt enter a stage of age regression but I was stuck looking for comfort in a decade very fond to me, the 90s. I've watched endless reruns of 90s shows, all that, power rangers, just to name a few. Listened to hours of 90s music. And reminisce of the days with my childhood friends in the best years of my life. My dad was alive and my mom was still with him. Even today, right before I found this site and wrote this I went to a site where theres a retro tv and it will stream different "90s" shows as.if you were watching it back then. And I was filled with heavy sadness... why has it not gotten better? Time has gone by as people have said and... I feel the same... alone, even though I remarried, stuck even though I made the smartest career.choice of my life currently. I feel like the 90s emo kids when they said they're filled with sadness... except this time it's real. It's a reality I never expected to knock on my door. But it did. It knocked, opened the door, and made itself at home. I mostly fine escape when I bury myself at work, or I'm doing an activity with my spouse. She helps, but it's still there. I dont feel good enough. It's been many years of not feeling good enough. Years before she left. No higher education, just a workhorse providing, with the mentality of "I know best" because it was the only thing I knew. I was never given the chance to grow, to learn. I expected to be loved bo matter what, because it's what I learned... now because I failed her it feels like I cant be loved, no matter what. My focus on the future escapes me from time to time, and I become an uninteracting shell. I want nothing but work.