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So, I’m a hoarder. Virtually all my neighbours know it & they tell their children I’m crazy. For a while this caused their children to bully me, calling me names & throwing things at my home.
Because of this condition I keep myself to myself. This of course just makes me appear even weirder than they already think I am. They complain to the landlord about me at any given little operating. About things that when the other neighbours do they don’t say a word but when it comes to me they do.
I’m trying to over come this condition. But housework & organisation is like torture to me. It takes ages to hype myself up to do it & have to drink a lot of energy drinks just to last 3 hours or so before I burn out completely.
Once I burn out, psychology it takes a good few days, at least a week before I can start decluttering again. I’m trapped by my mind.
(Almost) Everything seems to have a purpose to me. Empty plastic food take away containers, cutlery & napkins. The little packets of salt & ketchup that sometimes comes with them, etc. Empty jars & containers that held other food items, plastic bottles that once had sodas in them.
Then there’s the cleaning. I don’t know which is harder? Deciding what to keep & what to throw away or having to clean!
My mother fell ill when I was a child, and that was the start of a very bad childhood. Because not only did my father decide to start molesting me, but I was also expected to take over the role of house work. I would be beaten for not doing it. I was a child & it was hard & a struggle but it was made very clear to me, in many ways that it was my fault the house was messy.
I had counselling but it didn’t really help. It was both free to get it out & off my chest but very triggering having to relive the abuse. It would put me in turmoil for days. I at least learned (was diagnosed) I suffer from ptsd, compulsive hoarding, anxiety & depression. I wouldn’t be surprised it there’s more things wrong with me to though. Because I can’t seem to make or keep friends. I become distant (could be the depression?) & I don’t trust anyone (probably suffer from paranoia?). I want to trust but I can’t cope with people seeing me differently or throwing things back in my face. I already feel bad about everything, I feel like everything in life is my fault. Because I don’t know how to make good decisions.
I have suicidal ideation everyday. I know I don’t want to die. I just want the pain & suffering to stop. Running away & starting all over again won’t even solve it because my problems travel with me. I’ve moved 3 times & the hoarding has travelled with me.
I wish I knew how to self harm by cutting to transfer the inner turmoil & pain into physical instead. But it doesn’t work for me. I tried to do it but it just didn’t work. Alcohol helps abit but sometimes makes my depression worse. I smoke on & off to relieve the stress & anxiety I feel. That also only offers very slight temporary relief & I actually hate it so very much, but I still keep trying it for relief from the mental torture I’m under.
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Hoarding, & Childhood abuse
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On the subject of "hoarding"... Yes yes yes a thousand times yes, "everything seems to have a purpose." Especially in this rapidly shrinking world, it is not only logical but it should be mandatory to find uses for everything. The packing tape on boxes that arrive in the mail...? I carefully remove, re-roll and re-use it. And I can't stand that people think this is insane behavior, when we're just being efficient and conscious of waste.
From what I can glean, I think your problem isn't hoarding, it's the disorganization. That gets me too, but luckily I have enough "OCD" that I can manage to keep things in order so nobody really complains. But I know how overwhelming it can be.
How about this...? Designate 1 room as your sacred organized island of order. Even just a corner of a room, or a closet. Or 1 desk. The point is not to get overwhelmed. Create a small safe zone and then expand outward when you can. Eventually when you get your entire living space organized, I bet people will stop bullying you because secretly they'll be impressed.
I'm sorry I can't comment or offer support regarding your sexual abuse because I feel like I would be mouthing empty words (I've experienced abuse but not of a sexual nature, so I'm in the dark there). But the hoarding part, I totally get it and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You are just the ultimate recycler. People should sing your praises for not adding to the landfills and trash at the beaches.
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