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It's getting harder and harder, inside my head, to really think of how I'm supposed to change or what I'm supposed to change.
I have no clue what would make me happy, just the same old notion of a heart to wrap myself around. Everything else seems up for grabs at this point.
I don't know who I am or what I stand for. I don't believe that there is purpose here for me. Maybe suffering but that's it.
I try to rationalize it in my mind and say that suffering leads to learning but I don't seem to be learning anything beneficial from any of this.
Just keep myself closed off, choose not to pursue any spark of ambition that might come every once in a few years. It's so stupid and I know it.
I feel completely awful and the self loathing is worse than before. I still don't know what I'm gaining from any of this, yet I can't change.
Everything in my life has always seemed to be a catch 22. I decided to try to think that people who hurt me are just dead now. Not really dead, but just in my mind.
Thing is, I can't trick my brain like that. I seriously wonder if I've got some for of autism or something. It's like, in certain moments I can freaking brilliant and I know I can. But for the vast majority of life, I'm just stupid and unwilling.
I hate knowing these things and not being able to do anything with those bits of information. It's like I just can't.
My mind is obsessive. Could be something rather unimportant like song lyrics or stuff I'm researching for whatever reason. But my mind also gets obsessed with my partner when in a relationship.
I don't have to know every little detail, it's more physical. I obsess over favorite little spots on the body, the way her lips feel against mine, the design of her eyes. Stuff like that.
I've got a lot better at relationships, or at least I used to think I had gotten better. Turns out I can't walk away, even when I know I should.
When I give someone my heart, it might as well be literal. I am fiercely loyal and I've got a pleaser/anxious style.
It's been 8 months now since my last long term relationship and I still feel the same. I still haven't felt like I could cry away the pain and it's only been those tiny tugs on my heart strings that make my body think about crying but it only lasts for a few seconds, then disappears.
Within a few minutes, it all gets directed at me and my brain is extremely harsh. It's so stupid that I'm aware of all of this and I can see the consequence of how I currently act. I'd say "live" but I'm not really living. It's more just passing time.
I can't help but think of how bad she has broken me, everything she stole from me, when all I ever did was give. I wish I knew why, but at the same time I do know why.
She did it because it was easy. I didn't try to stop it or draw any kind of lines and I was a doormat like most of my life.
I run this over and over in my head I I just can't seem to escape it. She really broke me in a way that I can't seem to fix.
I just don't know anymore. It's so hard to want anything anymore. It was only 2 years. It was only the first time I let my guard down completely for the first time in my life, allowed myself to believe that this would last forever and it's so stupid that she still runs through my head.
She ain't thinking about me, I can guarantee that. Why is my mind still focused so hard?
I know what she said to me the night she left was soul breaking. Basically confirming all my greatest fears. That I was too sensitive and too hard to love.
My last therapist said that people who say others are too sensitive are usually too apathetic and inconsiderate. But that really didn't help.
I wasn't trying to place that blame somewhere else. It's my blame. I don't need excuses for who I am.
Maybe I was too sensitive. I've looked back on our relationship a thousand times and I can't recall a single time I was being sensitive or dramatic but that's what she said. So I don't know. Maybe I'm just blind to it because this is who I am.
It's stupid. I wish I could change this. I don't think getting into another relationship will help either. But that's what my heart wants. It wants to believe that someone can love me so badly.
That's the deepest wish in my heart. It's been there since I was a child. From my earliest memories.
I thought people had loved me before, but they never really did. It was always some reflection of who they thought I could be or what they could get out of me. Even my parents were like that. My father flat out refused to love me. My mother only loved me when she couldn't get in touch with my brother.
It's all jumbled up in knots in my head and I'm just aching for someone who could actually love me. No, not religion or some deity. I mean an actual person. Someone who could show me they actually love me. Not just say it or type it just to make some indecisive pitch.
I mean someone who is going to be around and hold me, kiss me, fall asleep with me, grow old with me.
But I've been searching all my life and I've got nothing to show for it. I put everything into that. All that energy, all that effort and everything else in my life was sacrificed for that pursuit and now I'm here.
Stuck in a position where even if someone wanted to try to love me, they wouldn't be able to in the long run. Because my life is so screwed.
And over and over and over and over it goes in my head. All the damn time. Like I said, my mind is obsessive.
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