Taking a breather

It's impossibly hard to try to walk away from the things that swirl inside my head. This depression has a hold of me and it's hard not to see the things that it shows me.

Every time I think I'm getting the motivation to finally begin, I always make some excuse to feed it. Maybe just another cigarette, maybe after a stop to the bathroom.

All this procrastination only serves to make these self fulfilling prophecies come true and in a way I hate that I know that. I hate knowing that it's all inside my head, because everything is still so real to me.

Both feet in or both feet out. I never really got the chance to have both feet in, so the only answer is to stay out. The things I regret the most are things that weren't in my control and I can't help but play it over and over again.

I think about what it might be like to try to see things from a different point of view. But when the time comes for action, I do exactly as I always do. It doesn't seem to matter how aware I become of it. It's still the lingering part of me.

As much as I'd like to say I try, I can't even say that. Because I know it's not true. I've always done exactly what I'm doing now. Complaining about my life without no real will power to ever change it.

Maybe if I got off my ass and actually did the things I say I'll do, maybe people might want to be around me, maybe people might actually love me.

I know that I'm the problem here, I'm the reason I'm all alone. It's so stupid to be having these issues so late in life and only coming to a realization only recently.

I make myself feel useless and worthless by not doing anything at all, of course it's going to keep feeding into itself. I know that this has to come from me, it can't come from anyone else.

This is my life, these are my rules, this goes how I want it to, despite the fact that I don't want this. I hate this, but this is where I always run to.

Whenever things get tough, this is where I hide and I know that. I'm aware of it. So I make up these imaginary scenarios in my head that prevent me from even trying, because I don't want to be faced with responsibility or hard decisions.

I don't want to alter my life, I just want it to be different and I know how stupidly hypocritical that is. How can something be different if you never change anything about it?

It's maddening and at the same time, I must love this madness because I keep refusing to do the things I know I need to do.

It's a conscious thing, I'm well aware of what all I can do to make myself feel better but none of it seems to even matter. It's like I'm trapped inside my head and I'm aware I'm trapped but I'm not willing to let go of the chains that hold me here.

I know the chains don't hold me, I hold them. I rattle them around just to hear the echoes of the past and I don't know why I do it. Maybe because there's some comfort in the pain? Maybe because I feel I must be punished?

I don't know why I do it, maybe there are several reasons and that's the only reason I refuse to let go.

I keep trying to prepare myself for that moment to let go but it's just like any other addiction. Just one more drag, just one more echo, just one more memory.

I know I'm prepared to let go, I have all the tools necessary to wage this war. But I just won't put the chains down and I know that I won't and nothing can fix that for me.

It's all in the past, it's over. No one is hurting me now except myself. I'm the one doing this. I know it would be possible for me to change and I know how alien it would feel at first but I also know I'd eventually get used to it.

I'd eventually start making connections and doing work and eventually maybe I'd find what I've spent my whole life searching for but no one is going to find me here, while I'm trapped inside my head.

Nothing is going to change or get better. It's just more of the same. Another wasted day, pissing and moaning about how bad my life is and I still hate that I know all of this yet refuse to do anything with it.

Of course therapy isn't going to help me, how could it? If I can't listen to my own self, why would I listen to anyone else?

Yes, I've got some pretty bad trauma in my life and I've lost people. But I know I can't keep doing this. I know those days are over and if I just tried, even just a little bit, that my life could get so much better.

But no, apparently I'd rather just sit here and whine about it. As if that is accomplishing anything. I don't want to live like this, but it's all that I know and I know that I'm afraid of the unknown. I know I'm afraid of what's on the other side, because I've never seen it in my life.

It's all so stupid and I know it is, but I keep doing it. Which makes me insane. I keep doing the same stuff, expecting a different result and it's just not gonna happen. I'm sick of it but at the same time, I'm not apparently because I know I'm sti not ready to change. Still busy beating that drum.