I’m not good enough

No matter what I accomplish- section leader in my orchestra, highest grade on the test, captain of the volleyball team- I feel like I’ll never be enough. I can’t tell anyone. To them, I’m this girl who gets good grades and never backs down from a challenge, one that laughs along with the jokes my “friends” make about me. They don’t know I cry myself to sleep every night, or that I have notes written for each of them in case I finally jump, cut, or OD. Everyone thinks I’m fine, and when I do open up, they think I’m being dramatic. I tried to tell one of my friends about my eating disorder. She just said “I love food too much for that.” I just want someone to ask if I’m okay, and when I say I’m fine, I want them to tell me “no you’re not, and that’s ok.” I want someone to hold me like they care, to assure me there’s still something worth living for. Right now, only a sense of hope is keeping me here, but that’s fading quickly. I’m secretly hoping one of my friends realizes what’s happening, just so that I can get help. But I’m so scared to tell my parents. They’ve already had one depressed child, why need another? Most days I think they’ll be better off without me, just because I get in the way of practically everything.