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I woke up this morning from a dream. I had drifted back to sleep and it had to be THE MOST painful dream I've ever had and that's saying something.
In the dream, I was sitting at the end of a hallway. My brother was off to my left and straight down the hall was my ex. Leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.
I remember thinking about my father very briefly, I don't know why. Then I kinda snapped and I told my ex "you can grab your stuff, it's over."
So she heads into a back room, grabs a white college sweater and comes back out and she tries to question me.
But I cut her off telling her that I had already been through enough of this affection withholding in my last relationship. I wasn't ever going to put up with it again. Then the dream ended.
When I woke, I felt wrong. Partly because I knew that's not how things went down. She was the one who left me. I guess it was just words that had been left unsaid.
But it hurt, like physically hurt. In my chest, my throat, my head. I couldn't cry. I haven't been able to cry since she left actually.
Something inside is really, REALLY broken in me. It's not my heart, that's had time to readjust. Even right now, theres a suicidal thought running through my head.
Like, what is the point anymore? There is literally nothing left for me here. No ones ever gonna love me shit I've thought a billion times in my life, probably more than that.
I think about it, but I don't have a way to kill myself. The closest thing I can come up with is the same old plan I had back 10 years ago.
Go to the nearest train tracks, wait for a train and just lay my head over the rail.
That's the only idea with any chance of success. But in this area, the tracks are very hard to get to in the first place. They're mostly set on very steep hills and are usually around rivers. So it's not as easy as it was 10 years ago when I could just walk up to the tracks completely casually.
Granted I tried doing that, many times. I stood there and watched dozens of trains go by, trying to convince myself to just do it. I got within an arm's length of one train, one time. But I could never seem to actually do anything beyond that.
I'd get close but that was it. I mean, I've got like 5 bottles of different psych meds. I could try and down those but let's be realistic here. I've tried overdosing before as well and these ones would likely go right through me.
It's like my mind wants me to kill myself but when it gets down to it, my mind changes.
So I try to use that to my advantage. Well since I'm not going to kill myself, why not do something to make my life better? Nope. Not an option.
I still do miss her sometimes when I'm looking out my window, smoking a cigarette. Or when I'm rolling a cigarette memories will come back. Or when I hear specific songs. Or smells. Or thoughts. Or, or, or I'm just not getting over her.
What if I can't? It's been almost a year!
So what else is really left? I want to do stuff and get myself right and maybe after a while, go try to find love again. But that's just me being stupid, not learning my lessons.
The grand scheme of my life has always been that I am unacceptable and unlovable. From early childhood all the way to today. Same general theme.
So why? What's left? Why can't I just get the strength up to actually try again and this time make sure I'll succeed.
But no matter what plans my mind comes up with, the fact is I can NEVER guarantee I'll succeed. Because I'm a failure. At everything. Even trying to kill myself.
So the best I can do is sit here and smoke and waste away. No hygiene, no outside contact, one meal a day.
I mean I've got most of the criteria for an early heart attack. I'm tall, overweight, I smoke, I drink quite a bit of soda, I eat crappy fast food, I stay up all night and sleep during the 3, I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, the list goes on and on.
But somehow I'm still as healthy as a horse. Why?!
I'm so tired of always hurting. I know it's not literally every second but it's still frequent enough! If it's not one thing, it's another.
My soul is dead and gone and my body is just waiting to catch up.
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