Ready For Peace

He asks me why I don’t go out and do something, but I don’t know what to do. Dad why do you continue to ask? Sometimes I feel powerless, vulnerable, and enclosed. I question why life has happened in the way it has. I wake up everyday with a sense of direction yet I’m still lost and don’t know where to start. I can’t breathe I only suffocate, and it gets worse but I learn to control it more. Why did I have to learn those things about you dad? The older I get the more I become aware, anyone can be anyone. Never be fooled, always be conscious and confident. Own your ground and prosper in the body you were born in, but be prepared. I refuse to paint over the mess, I refuse to decorate the top of the cupcake so you don’t realize how bad it’s crumbling underneath the pretty icing and sprinkles. When I was in highschool they taunted me but all I was, was nice. I did for others and went above and beyond to make sure everyone knew their worth.. whether it was sneaking positive sticky note messages to all the mirrors in the school restrooms, or making post every night. They loved to see me hurt, broken, and damaged. They fed off of my misery, I thought we were friends guys? Why did you do this to me? Days became miserable and I wanted to vanish. No one helped me. I was dissolving and no one cared. At peace I wanted, but I was stronger. Why did you guys do that to me for 8 months? Now I have to finish my last 3 years online because I defended myself after being walked al over by administration and bullies. I can’t join booster club, I can’t turn the school up, I can’t be an office worker. I graduated with a 2.7 GPA and C’s & D’s. I’ve always been honor roll. School, why did you let them destroy me? Why didn’t you save me?

I grew and I grew and eventually learned to be happy again. Until you Dad. Why ? Why did you have to watch her undress? Why did I have to walk into finding you? I learned then everything I told you to stop doing when I was a kid and I’d get sparked for was because YOU couldn’t handle yourself you trifling prick dad I HATE YOU! You caused my life depression anxiety ptsd and hell. I’m overly anxious and think to much, I blame me for everything and I’m sad. Therapy didn’t do anything but cause my mom to hate me and realized the racist woman she was. She knew about you too and your filthy past.. why did you guys adopt me ? It’s been 2 years now, and I’m back in the home that scarred me again since my mom abandoned me. I stress everyday, I’m mad and upset everyday, I have to watch what I wear and how I walk so you don’t watch my body dad why won’t you be normal. I sleep on your couch since I don’t have a room, it’s a free show for you now isn’t it. Dad don’t you wonder what I did those two years we didn’t speak after I learned the predator you are and have been for years ? How did you like looking at sissy and pulling up her dress when she was a little girl? There’s a lot I know that you know I don’t. Dad why. WHY. In those two years I was in therapy, was kicked out multiple times and told the failure I was by my mother. Mom why? Why are you so bitter? Why did you drop me and my brothers Off on dads doorstep when we were kids. If you couldn’t care enough for us why’d you adopt us? Mom why did you call me a crazy black woman ? Why do you sue racial slurs? Why do you laugh when I’m feeling suicidal. ? Why mom. And you wonder why I am why I am because you and dad are monsters mom. Doesn’t it bother you that I’m layin on the couch of the man who molested me for years and the man who watched your daughter in her dress while she slept, ? Does it bother you mom o is it the money. Because everyday I have anxiety and sadness. I don’t have a lot of motivation and I’m more ready to be at peace then take time to reach my goals. Why am I an object to you dad? Why am I toy to you mom? What did I do. Is my brown skin different then your white skin? Is it because you have your own problems you never faced so you use it on me? Why can’t I be happy. Mom did you know I miscarried today? It was hard and sad. Dad doesn’t know. I’m alone with everything I do and it’s hard I’m only 19. Guidance would be cool but I got this . I just want to know why?. What did I do? . I want to be living in my own home, not with my predator . Mom why did you hand me these bills when I was 17? Is it really because I didn’t tell you about my school tour which has made you think I can’t do it? Mom why aren’t you supporting me? Why did you hand me these bills mom I’m now 3k over and some in collections of my bills mom. Why do you want to see me struggling so bad? Are you jealous? Because I am struggling you win. Struggling and living with my predator, how can you guys feel so comfortable doing this? I want to die and be gone. I want to be at peace that is all. I am stuck. I can’t keep waking up on this couch of the man who touched me and watches me. He doesn’t care either he looks when he wants and acts as if he doesn’t. Theirs no way I’ll be out of here soon so maybe I should speed the process and just be at peace with myself. I’m calm and ready. But I’m sad to do feel this way. Mom do you remember when I got admitted to the hospital Because I was going to do it and you didn’t call me? I remember. This is too hard. I will never have a home and be happy. I’m ready to go.