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Things are weird between us. And I guess I should be happy. This is the way its supposed to be. We're not supposed to be anything more than this. It makes me awfully sad, and I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the hours of texting and calling you at night. I miss looking forward to 8:30pm every day. You made me value myself, and brought me back to neutral.
Every little thing you or do made me feel a certain way. To you, it meant nothing. To you I was just another friend who you treated exceptionally well. But to me, you were my friend, best friend, and honestly, my crush. Someone I know I couldnt have, but wanted desperately. You asked about the intricacies about my day like they mattered to you. You listened to my lullabies, heard my songs, and asked about my therapy sessions. All so sweet, but completely blown out of proportion in my head.
You had the ability to make my day or completely ruin it. Your smile, your texts, your phone call lit me up inside. And your silence and withdrawal, threw me in depths of sadness. You wouldn't have known that, so I understand.
I kept wondering if we would hit that boundary. Would we sit and talk it out and figure out a way to actually date? Would we find middle ground between us? Could we make it work? I kept pondering these scenarios as I started to like you each day.
I want to say it was all in my head. That I only fell for you because you filled a void. But I did like you. I liked who you are. I liked the man who overcame his struggles. I liked the man that chose to love and be kind in a world where people had not been kind to him. I thought of lonely that 13 year old must have been. How desperate for a family, to belong and to be understood. I felt sadness for a child who had to figure things out on his own, learn things he shouldnt have had to learn that early. Admiration for a man who worked his ass off to get where he is today. Wanting to be the best father possible after not knowing his own. I liked who you were, not the void you filled for me. I lied, to stop myself from thinking about you. I rationalized so I could numb the pain.
You had already chosen someone else. You were talking to her all along and viewed her in that way. You never saw me in that light the entire time. It was all in my head, I misinterpreted it all. Your kindness and caring nature translated into budding feelings for me in my head. I'm sorry. I was severely misinformed. And so I had to rationalize.
I miss you B, I want things to go back to the way they were but they wont. I respect your new relationship, and I do not want to be the S or T to your girl. So yes, I will talk to you less and less, as you are doing with me. Yes, I will snuff out emotional vulnerability between us, because it makes me like you more. You do not understand. You are kind and loving and selfless to all your friends. We are different; no one had shown me this kindness before. I will mistake your kindness for something more. Please understand and do not confuse me. I know its my fault for being confused. But I cant be raw with my emotions with you anymore. All I have ever wanted is to be real with someone. And then I met you. And I cant continue to be real with you knowing I cant have you. I would have found a way, I wouldve found a midpoint between us to make it work. I had already thought it up. But it was never an option for you. And thats okay. That was your decision.
Thanks for being inside my circle. Ill keep your memory here always.
I'm sorry for returning the kitchenaid.
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