Lockdowns and Loneliness

It's been nearly a year since lockdowns have been active in my city and I've been going through a lot of emotions because of it.

Initially, I thought having online classes wouldn't be too bad, I wouldn't have to spend hours commuting to and from my university, and I wouldn't feel so anxious about all the forced interactions and such. Then, a few months passed by, and what I expected to last a few weeks turned out to be a few months, now a year. Malls have closed, shops have shut down for good, concerts were cancelled, meeting anyone outside of our household's forbidden...

It's odd to think back that I thought this time in isolation would've been a good time for me to better my productivity and work on my mental health, yet now it seems to be doing the opposite of that now.

There were so many changes and twists in my home life, at one point I was taking care of a full house, I had a puppy who I loved with all my heart, but had to have him rehomed because of a flare-up in my anxiety, had half the household move out, had a family member in a car accident, had our car vandalized, lost a loved one... Like, all of these things happened and I feel that I've been burying my emotions in video games, anime, or overworking myself, continually trying to keep myself distracted, but during those points in the day where I'm not actively keeping myself busy, I just feel so scared of being alone with myself.

At times, I keep thinking about what we would be doing on a normal day, being able to go outside and take a walk for no other reason than having a walk, trying different restaurants around the area, visiting the art museum during breaks, sitting on a bus while trying to study for an upcoming exam...

Now, I've solely found pleasure in watching shows and animes, though all of them have been coming to a close, then I go through a whole depressive withdrawal stage over and over again.

I don't have many friends and I'm not close to my family, so I've been holed up in my room for a majority of the day, all of us are often really busy with our own tasks and deadlines, it just seems so suffocating.

If I'm being completely honest, mentally, I've barely been making it through every day, whether or not I've translated my worries in this letter, my mind's been anxious and exhausted, I've dipped to really low points and barely reached any high grounds. I'm tired of constantly trying to keep myself sane and distracted from the fact that I'm not in a great place mentally. I don't know what would make it better, but there aren't many options on my end other than writing here when things get really bad.

For the time being, all I can do is wallow in temporary fixes until things get back to normal. Hopefully, things get better soon, I hope all of you are safe and healthy.