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I wasn't totally honest with you (or anyone else for that matter)
2 months ago · · Addiction, · Explicit
I haven't been completely honest with you. I told you that I was sexting and sending pics to one guy, and that is true. And after we talked last time I blocked him. I can't talk to him anymore. Unless I reach out to him on Facebook, and not gonna lie I have been really tempted to. But that wouldn't be fair to him. I don't want to give him false hope. And I don't want to open that door again, because I felt that one. That one was real. That one hurt, because I cared a lot. Most of the time I don't care about the person the way I cared about him.
But after I blocked him, I went onto an anonymous app just to vent, and I ended up talking to 2 other guys in a similar way. With all three of them, I sent inappropriate pictures (nothing completely nude, but about as close as you can get. I called them too, and talked dirty, and I listened to them cum, and they listened to me. I drew lines for myself: no nudes, nothing physical, no videocalls. But I got about as close to those lines as is humanly possible.
I didn't lie, the end of last week was great. I deleted snapchat and the anonymous app. I felt really good, and I didn't do anything wrong. I started feeling really good, almost normal. I thought it was because of the meds I'm taking now, but yesterday and today have been really hard again, and I'm back to those same old temptations. I don't know why I thought it would be a magic pill and that I'd somehow feel that way everyday now, but that's not how it works. I think I do feel better. I'm not having as many panic attacks and I don't have near as many thoughts about suicide or self-harm.
But what those pills wont change, is the way I feel about myself, or the thinking habits I have gotten into. I still turn to terrible sources to try and fill this hole inside myself, and of course it never works. But for whatever reason, empty compliments from horny men act as balm on a wound. It doesn't fix it, but it makes it feel better for a moment.
Maybe that's because its all I've ever known. My first memories are of being sexually abused. In high school a man sexually harassed me, and (I've never told anyone I know this) tried to sexually assault me. I was one of the lucky ones, I got away. Anyway, so it was just natural for me to turn to porn and masturbation. It's what I knew. My parents were gone a lot, and so I watched porn the way some kids watch cartoons. I was totally addicted. That's a struggle that has filled my life ever since middle school. I have talked to so many people about it, and each time I quit for longer, but then I fall. I relapse. hard. And it feels like each time I end up deeper in that addiction. Doing more than I did the last time.
In college I went waay too far. I was your stereotypical girl with daddy issues. I did anything and everything you can do without physically being in the same room as a person: videocalls, phone calls, masturbation, porn. Of course that perpetuated the cycle where I ended up with more terrible men, trying to do terrible things. I had a stalker. I got blackmailed into a date. It was terrible. Obviously, I got all of that sorted out long before now.
Now, I don't tell you all of this for you to feel sorry for me or to make excuses. I know what I did is wrong. I know that I am responsible for my own choices. I know that I shouldn't want to do those things like I do. I just want to be honest, like I have never been before, because I need to change more than I ever have before. I don't want to fall again. I don't want to fail again.